In an unprecedented twist of military strategy, the Pentagon has reportedly opened a game of "Nuclear Roulette" amidst the ongoing tensions in Ukraine, according to a leaked chapter from Bob Woodward’s latest exposé, “Half the Cerberus Gets Fired.” In a rather alarming revelation, senior defense officials were overheard contemplating a 50% probability that Russia might unleash its nuclear arsenal. Sources say that during a particularly tense phone call in fall 2022, Pentagon head honcho Lloyd Austin casually suggested to his Russian counterpart Sergey Shoigu, "Hey, what do you think the odds are that we both end up in a mushroom cloud? Fifty-fifty sounds about right, don’t you think?" to which Shoigu reportedly responded with a dry chuckle, "Let’s just hope it’s a high-stakes game of poker rather than roulettes." The conversations also veered into unconventional strategy sessions where officials pondered using leftover fireworks from last Fourth of July for a dramatic display if things went sideways. "Nothing screams diplomacy like a good ol’ firework show," one anonymous source quipped. "Besides, who doesn’t love a scenic light display before the apocalypse?" Pentagon insiders expressed mixed feelings about the potential use of tactical nuclear options, with concerted discussions revolving around the “Cerberus” plan—one that might just release half of its proverbial three-headed dog. "It’s like managing a pet with separation anxiety. Do you let the whole creature out, or just half? We wouldn’t want to alarm the neighbors, after all," one defense analyst said with a wink. In defense meetings, officials have been seen tossing a coin to decide whether to escalate the situation or just crank up the Cold War mixtape for some nostalgia. "We might as well make it enjoyable," said a strategist with too much time on his hands. "If we’re going to end humanity, we should at least have a killer playlist." Meanwhile, lawmakers have been quick to weigh in. "We can’t let Russia think they can use these threats to roll the dice. After all, we’ve spent decades teaching them how to play poker—we can’t just let them have all the chips," stated one senator, who still hasn’t returned the last text from his poker night crew. Experts warn that this nonchalant approach to nuclear strategy is fraught with risks, with civility barely hanging by a thread. Critics are calling for a return to traditional diplomacy—perhaps lunch invitations instead of telephonic threats—before the stakes get too high. As citizens everywhere stock up on survival kits and radiation-proof umbrellas, the world holds its breath, wondering if the next move will be strategy or catastrophe. In the meantime, it seems “Nuclear Roulette” is the hottest new game in Washington, with odds still set at a tantalizing 50%.