In a stunning turn of events, Paul Weiss, the prestigious Wall Street law firm, has declared its independence from President Trump, promising that the Trump administration will not be "dictating" the legal services it provides. This revelation comes after the firm agreed to an eye-popping $40 million deal that would see them offer pro bono work on projects like combating antisemitism and, presumably, finding that missing sock from the laundry. Brad Karp, Chairman of Paul Weiss, reassured worried staff in a letter that the firm's commitment to legal neutrality remains strong. "We'd like to think of ourselves as the Uber of the legal world," said Karp. "We’re in the driver’s seat, but that doesn’t mean we won’t give you the option to choose your route. Just don’t ask us to make a detour to Mar-a-Lago." The backlash from legal circles has been swift and merciless. Some attorneys expressed concern that the firm might be veering dangerously close to becoming the “Trump Legal Express,” a proposed ride-sharing service where every deposit would be tripled in litigation fees. Critics have been particularly vocal about the firm’s new program that allows clients to add pick-up points at any Trump property - “no extra charge,” they claim. Interestingly, critics have also been wondering just who really is in the backseat. Daily inquiries have flooded in to Paul Weiss, demanding clarification about which of the firm’s more “influential” partners are secretly thumbing a ride with the administration. Ironically, one disgruntled associate even suggested that there should be a “calculation” on how many hours Bill Barr gets billed for “taking a backseat,” when arriving for meetings at the White House. As if sensing the pressure, Karp noted in his letter that the firm would ensure all lawyers maintain their autonomy. “No one will be forced to wear a ‘Make Law Great Again’ hat while working,” he quipped, although it’s still unclear if that goes for any legal briefs submitted in the meantime. Meanwhile, sources within the firm say that they are already busy drumming up ways to spend that $40 million in pro bono work. Ideas range from round-the-clock consulting phone lines for people who accidentally show up at the wrong Trump rally, to a think tank dedicated to understanding exactly why every tweet seems like a litigious minefield. In a related statement, Karp wrapped things up succinctly: “Paul Weiss is here to make law. Unless of course you want to pollinate some ideas on how to influence a certain someone—then we might need to talk partnership.” So, while Paul Weiss promises to keep Trump out of the legal driver’s seat, it remains to be seen just who is really in the backseat, and whether they have the right amenities for the ride ahead.