In an unexpected turn of events, Palmetto Senior High School is welcoming its newest student: a case of measles. Yes, you heard that right! In 2025, just when we thought we had seen it all, one brave student decided to bring a bit of flair to the traditionally boring world of high school health statistics. The Miami-Dade County Public Schools reported that the measles virus has enrolled at Palmetto, shocking parents and delighting germ enthusiasts everywhere. Superintendent Dr. Jose Dotres, who was busy reviewing the school's “Notable Events” calendar, immediately called a press conference to address this thrilling new development and assure parents that “vaccination is still a requirement for graduation.” During the press conference, Dr. Dotres attempted to clarify how measles, a disease many thought had been tucked away in the annals of history along with cassette tapes and dial-up internet, managed to slip through the COVID-19 precautions. “We’re not sure how it got here, but we have to give it a warm welcome—just not too warm, or it might spread,” Dr. Dotres quipped. Meanwhile, local health officials have been scrambling to contain the outbreak, implementing emergency measures that include a no-lunch policy for students and a temporary ban on all group hugs. Parents are being strongly encouraged to vaccinate their kids—unless they want to face the terrifying fate of being barred from the prom and being relegated to attending virtual class from their parent's basement. In an ironic twist of fate, HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who has made headlines for his past vaccine skepticism, popped up on Fox News to discuss the outbreak, promising parents that he "would not have been skeptical" if he had heard about measles enrolling in schools. “If only I knew it would be so popular,” he lamented. Students, meanwhile, have taken to social media to express their mixed feelings. Many are excited to have a “viral” topic that could spice up conversations during lunch. “I mean, how cool is it to say you went to school with measles?” shouted one overly optimistic sophomore. Others, however, are less thrilled: “You had to be there, I guess. But I’d still prefer a regular infection—mono at least gets you sympathy points,” commented a student who was ironically yet to be vaccinated. As the school year unfolds, Palmetto Senior High is bracing for new policies designed to ensure that measles remains the only infectious agent that gets a gold star for attendance. Remember to keep your vaccinations up-to-date, the school may require a measles booster as a ticket for the next pep rally. We all know high school dances can be contagious in their own right!