In a shocking turn of events, Palestinian activist and self-declared political prisoner Mahmoud Khalil has reportedly been granted "VIP Access" to the otherwise dreary surroundings of an immigration detention center, claiming it was due to his activism and not simply because he happened to be the only person in the facility who knew how to work the Netflix remote. "I’m not just any prisoner," Khalil insisted during an exclusive interview held in the center's makeshift snack bar, complete with a single vending machine that only sells expired organic granola bars. "I’m a political prisoner! I deserve artisanal coffee and an avocado toast toast, not just those sad peanut butter sandwiches." Khalil, who recently graduated from Columbia University, claims that the Trump administration is targeting him for his views, citing an "extensive paper trail of me tweeting about socialism" as evidence of his persecution. When asked if there was a specific incident that triggered his detention, Khalil mentioned an Instagram post where he called pineapple on pizza a "war crime," which allegedly caught the attention of at least one immigration officer—but not for the political implications. Sources close to Khalil say his VIP status includes special amenities like access to the detention center’s Wi-Fi network, which is generously provided at the speed of a dial-up connection. He has also been seen leading impromptu yoga sessions twice a day in the yard, insisting that "breathe in, breathe out" techniques are crucial for maintaining revolutionary zeal and mitigating the effects of bland cafeteria food. Meanwhile, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) stated in a press release that all detainees enjoy "equal access" to services, labeling Khalil's claims as "flattering, if not entirely accurate." An anonymous ICE agent commented, "To be fair, we didn’t know he was a Columbia grad until he started quoting Marx during meal times. That definitely adds a bit of flair to the day." As Khalil continues to advocate for immigrant rights from his makeshift stage of expired snacks and Wi-Fi that rivals a tortoise's pace, he has garnered support from fellow detainees. A group of them has started a fan club titled "Political Prisoner Power," complete with t-shirts that read, "I’m not just detained, I’m a detainee with a cause!" In spite of his unusual circumstances, Khalil remains optimistic about his release, particularly because the detention center recently announced plans for a talent show—something he claims will be "the ultimate platform for showcasing the plight of political prisoners, especially if I win the karaoke round."