In an unprecedented move that has left college football nerds scrambling and traditionalists clutching their pearl necklaces, the Associated Press proudly unveiled its all-College Football Playoff team, a project of gargantuan proportions that could only come from the brainiacs at a diner at 2 a.m. after one too many cups of coffee. With Ohio State riding high from its triumphant march to the national championship and claiming its rightful spot as the luminary of every college football discussion, one thing is clear: if you're not wearing scarlet and gray, you're just in the way. With the introduction of a mind-blowing, palpable 12-team playoff format this year, the AP decided it was time to redefine postseason recognition. Because who wouldn’t want to split their postseason awards into more categories than there are eligible receivers on the field? "Why not have an award show for every participant in the playoff?" several AP team members were reportedly overheard suggesting over overpriced appetizers while watching the Buckeyes run through their opponents like a hot knife through butter. As expected, the Buckeyes dominated the field in this new all-playoff team, leaving the rest of college football sulking in their classrooms, watching as their dreams of glory quickly evaporated like cheap champagne. "It feels like a glorified participation trophy," grumbled a fan from Alabama. "Only, the trophy is made of Ohio State’s shiny ego!" In true satirical fashion, Ohio State’s quarterback, who led the charge with all the grace of a gazelle sprinting across a field of wildflowers, garnered the most spots on the all-playoff team list, despite spending half of the season arguing with a referee about what constitutes a touchdown. "I shouldn’t be surprised," remarked a deflated Michigan fan, "they always throw a party when they win, even if it’s just a house game against the local high school." Meanwhile, the rest of the college football universe is reportedly considering a social media campaign to restrict the AP to only issuing awards to teams that can break records without actually breaking rules. Some teams are even bandying about the idea of establishing a "Participated in the Game but Actually Tried to Win" award, which would allow schools like Texas and USC to feel special just by showing up on the same field. As for the Ohio State players themselves, they’re reportedly in the midst of planning an elaborate parade, not just for their national championship win, but to celebrate how wonderfully dominating they were in the newly restructured playoff format. Those without the Buckeyes' color palette on their jerseys were encouraged to stay at home and watch the parade stream live on I-Actually-Watch-Ohio-State.com, as shame spirals unfold in real-time across the country. In the end, it all comes down to one thing: college football may be losing its traditional flavor and spinning itself into new forms of competitiveness, but as long as Ohio State is winning, the world will continue to turn. After all, who doesn’t love a good underdog story? Buckeyes forever!