In a stunning turn of events in the Ohio Senate race, candidates have unanimously agreed to sideline the pressing issue of planetary survival in favor of more pressing political squabbles. With wildfires raging, floods swallowing towns, and global temperatures skyrocketing to levels more commonly associated with heating a sauna for a small elephant, the candidates have realized that tackling climate change simply doesn’t poll well. In a recent debate staged in a local gymnasium, aptly sponsored by “The Greatest Snacks to Mull Over the Apocalypse,” candidates seemed more focused on outshining each other’s gaffes rather than discussing the unprecedented environmental crises. Candidate Randy “Sustainability? What’s That?” Blannigan touted his plans to bring more oil rigs to the state while waving around a freshly printed placard declaring “Drill Baby Drill—Even if the Earth Squeals!” He received thunderous applause from his team of interns, all wearing matching T-shirts proclaiming "Patriotism Over Planets." Meanwhile, rival candidate Sheila “I'm Not Saying the World is Ending, But Have You Seen My Tax Cuts?” Whitley introduced her proposal to solve the climate crisis—by implementing a new tax rebate for families who don’t drive electric vehicles. “Why promote solar energy when we can save the planet by lowering taxes?” she exclaimed, as the audience roared with approval, completely missing the irony. Both candidates abandoned any semblance of a climate change policy when asked about their thoughts on the rising sea levels. “I mean,” Blannigan boldly stated, “we’ve got plenty of land to fill with new theme parks once Florida goes under. Florida’s just a test run for our fun new water park ‘Oh-Hi-Ocean!’ Can’t let a little water stop us from profit!” Later in the night, Whitley cornered Blannigan with a pointed question: “So, when the oceans swallow our coastlines, which of your many oil rigs will you swim to first?” Their debate devolved into what they both termed “creative insults about each other’s chromosomes,” which, according to spectators, was “a real crowd-pleaser.” As the candidates wandered off stage, their final remarks included a joint commitment to “keep the Senate fun and irrelevant” while announcing plans for a bipartisan ‘Potluck of Destruction’ event to fundraise for local business interests. "Why worry about carbon footprints when we can step all over 'em!" Blannigan said with a flourish, igniting a fervor among supporters who simply were just hungry for snacks. In a heartwarming, enough-to-make-you-gag display, both candidates pledged to work together on a “team spirit” initiative that would undoubtedly bring lunch breaks and high-fives to a Senate session near you, regardless of whether there's a habitable planet left by then. As the dust settles on this week’s events, Ohio voters can rest easy knowing their future hinges not on planetary survival but on a series of increasingly ridiculous political stunts that prioritize applause over action. After all, who needs clean air when you've got rhetorical acrobatics? Now that’s a win-win!