In a stunning turn of events that could only happen in a country renowned for its welcoming spirit, Niger has officially rolled out the red carpet for its citizens returning home after years of exile. Dubbed the "Welcome to Nowhere" initiative, the government has solved the problem of where to put the thousands of people coming back by choosing well, essentially, nowhere. “This isn’t just any homecoming,” declared a government spokesperson, beaming with pride over the prospect of tackling the intricate challenge of reintegrating citizens into a land riddled with economic mismanagement and infrastructure decay. “We are offering our citizens the unique experience of existential uncertainty, which is now officially a national heritage.” Hell-bent on creating meaningful job opportunities, the government has launched a new and innovative policy known as "The Great Unemployment Project." Citizens returning from abroad will be able to apply for imaginary jobs in pressing fields like “Minister of Accountability” or “Ambassador of Potholes.” "We believe in the power of dreams," the spokesperson added, “and we want our citizens to dream big while doing absolutely nothing.” As returnees flood back into cities with empty hands and lighter wallets, the experience is reminiscent of an old magic trick: now you see me, now you don’t. Many citizens are thrilled at the chance to reconnect with their families while grappling with the harsh reality that their old neighborhoods no longer exist. “It’s amazing! Not only do I get to see my family again, but I can also witness the complete decay of my childhood home—what a thrill!” exclaimed one returning citizen, who will now have to choose between living with ostentatious memories or sifting through the debris of his past. Local businesses, meanwhile, are ecstatic to welcome the diaspora back into the fold. “We weren’t doing too well before, so you can imagine our joy at hearing thousands of people with no money are returning! This will be fantastic for our ‘going out of business’ sales!” enthused a local shopkeeper, who has already decorated the storefront with signs reading “Welcome and Good Luck!” and “Stock Clearance: Literally Everything Must Go!” In an unexpected spin, the government plans to address the acute housing crisis by doing absolutely nothing about it. Instead, it unveiled its latest campaign titled “Find Your Own Shelter,” which encourages returnees to explore their resourcefulness in locating warmth and safety. “Don’t box us in!” exclaimed one official, waving his arms dramatically. “We want our citizens to experience the thrill of a scavenger hunt—will it be a friendly neighbor’s couch, a public bus station, or the local park? Think of it as a social experiment!” As journalists flock to the country to cover the emotional turmoil of those who thought they were coming home, many are now re-evaluating the definition of “home.” “I always thought it was a place of comfort and familiarity,” mused one reporter, “but it seems it’s really just a concept we like to throw around when it suits us!” In a bittersweet conclusion to this extravaganza of misguided enthusiasm, the government has announced that it will soon be organizing a parade to celebrate the returnees. While participants can expect unfulfilled promises of support and a healthy dosage of sarcasm, at least they’ll get free t-shirts that read: “Welcome Home to the Great Unknown!” Thus, Niger continues its journey down the uncharted path of hopeful despair, where the only certainty is the fact that coming home is not always what it’s cracked up to be.