In a shocking twist that has left the football world reeling, Newcastle United's astute head coach Eddie Howe has been sidelined by an illness, leading to widespread speculation that he may have caught something more sinister than the common cold—an affliction known as “Tactical Intuition Deficiency.” Howe, who was last seen pacing the sidelines with the fervor of a caffeinated squirrel, felt unwell during the week and, presumably at the advice of his physician, chose to miss Friday's pre-match press conference. He left his witty assistant, Jason Tindall, to navigate the media gauntlet alone—a task akin to sending a lamb to a wolf convention. Tindall optimistically assured fans that Howe would be “fine for the weekend,” sparking a new internet meme that firmly placed Howe in a hospital bed, plotting his next chess move against Manchester United using only the power of his mind and a pair of hospital-issued socks. As Howe lay in his hospital bed, he reportedly sent a series of intriguing text messages to his staff, featuring cryptic emojis that some believe could be an alternative strategy for Sunday’s match: a football, a hospital symbol, and a cat. Seemingly, the cat would serve as both a distraction for Manchester United and a metaphor for Howe's nine lives in the managerial world. With Howe out of commission, Tindall has been thrust into the spotlight and given the daunting task of devising a game plan that cements his reputation. His opening gambit? A formation he dubbed “Injured but Not Out,” designed to confuse both players and fans alike with a mix of unorthodox tactics and a potentially risky reliance on fortune cookies for motivational quotes. Meanwhile, fans across Newcastle are left clutching their rosaries, praying that Howe’s absence doesn’t lead to the catastrophic loss of their tactical prowess—a fate worse than relegation for the die-hard Toon Army. Insiders whisper that Howe is now undergoing intensive medical treatment involving crumpets and BBC documentaries about the history of football tactics, aiming to recover in time for an epic comeback. As for Manchester United, they are left guessing what Howe's “Howe’s That for a Game Plan?” might look like. Perhaps a strategy using “The Man with a Plan but Currently in Hospital” approach, which involves waiting patiently, while secretly hoping Howe can project his genius onto a laptop screen from his hospital bed with 5G connectivity. In the grand theatre of football, one question remains: will Eddie Howe return in time for the post-match press conference, or will he remain absent, sending an empty chair in his place along with a heartfelt emoji? Only time will tell if Newcastle can navigate the melee without their mastermind at the helm, or if they'll need to start auditioning for a new head coach from the ward.