As New Yorkers gather in Times Square, donning their party hats and clutching overpriced champagne cocktails, little do they know that across the world, the people of Kiritimati have already devoured their New Year's feast, belted out "Auld Lang Syne," and are well on their way to making questionable resolutions for 2025. The sleepy island paradise in the central Pacific Ocean has officially assumed the role of the world's most punctual party host, while New Yorkers will remain blissfully unaware, caught in a time warp of last year's resolutions and the unbearable weight of regret. By the time the ball drops at midnight on December 31 in NYC, Kiritimati will have already joyously welcomed the new year with open arms, and perhaps a piña colada or two. Residents of Kiritimati have wasted no time in celebrating this prestigious honor, reportedly popping fireworks and embracing their new title with the enthusiasm of a toddler high on sugar. "It's about time we got some recognition," exclaimed local resident Tamaroa, “I mean, how many islands can claim to be the first to party every year?” Meanwhile, New Yorkers continue to shake off 2024 with a mixture of confetti and tears, as past regrets hang in the air like the smoke from the countless firecrackers lit up by their Pacific counterparts. As Vice President of the Kiritimati New Year’s Committee, Tamaroa has declared the first week of January as "Kiritimati's Time Travel Week," where islanders will parade around in t-shirts proclaiming "We Did It First!" while subtly mocking their delayed American counterparts. “We’re considering redesigning our map to show we’re the true center of the new year,” she added, laughing between bites of coconut cake. Social media influencers from the United States are already making plans to fly out to Kiritimati to be among the first to experience 2025 while still gathering views in the form of holiday cheques back in the States. “What’s it like to wake up and be basically living in the future?” one aspiring Instagram influencer tweeted, inadvertently complicating their midnight countdown plans, which now require precise timing to maintain the illusion of being “in the moment.” However, this rivalry has not gone unnoticed by other nations too. Countries like New Zealand and Fiji have looked at Kiritimati’s head start with jealousy, insisting on their own celebrations at 12 a.m. UTC, albeit feeling a little lackluster. “Are they really throwing a party an entire day before we even open our bottles?” wondered a stuck-in-time Kiwi from Auckland. As the countdown to midnight in New York continues, residents will clink glasses and chant their hopes for the year ahead, completely flummoxed to discover that Kiritimati's celebration won’t even be making the news. The reality settles in as phone notifications ping with messages from friends vacationing on the island: "You guys are still in yesterday! We’ve already hit 2025!" In summary, as Kiritimati celebrates with gentle breezes and tropical joy, New Yorkers are left to contemplate the absurdity of life, the festering regrets of 2024, and wonder if the struggle to make it to the next day on the calendar for half the planet is all that it’s cracked up to be. As the sun rises on January 1, 2025 in Kiritimati, New Yorkers might still be trying to find the key to their New Year's resolutions, which they have now consciously decided to push into the imaginary cupboard of their minds, forever untouched—and definitely late to the party.