In a shocking turn of events that has left many scratching their heads and checking their calendars, the newly minted Pope Leo XIV has not just entered the papacy but apparently decided to resurrect outdated rhetoric from the era of flip phones and MySpace. The Pope, formerly known as Father Robert Prevost, has plunged into the deep-end of Catholic tradition with remarks that would make even the most staunch traditionalists raise an eyebrow. In a speech reminiscent of a 2012 time capsule, Pope Leo XIV referred to the “homosexual lifestyle” as an alarming inversion of Christian values, a phrase that was about as necessary as a VHS tape in a streaming world. “It’s much like re-enacting a cheesy sitcom,” he quipped, “you’re left questioning why we allowed this to be a thing in the first place.” LGBTQ+ Catholics, who were basking in the glow of Pope Francis’ more inclusive stance, reportedly reacted with a collective gasp that echoed through the Vatican halls. Many have called his comments “troubling,” but let’s be real—many were simply flabbergasted he even remembered what the 2010s were about, let alone decided to dust off expired rhetoric like it was vintage wine. The Pope also warned against the “redefinition of marriage,” a concept that, as any millennial could tell you, has undergone more transformations than a Pokémon in battle. “If we keep redefining things, what’s next? Are we going to allow people to marry their pets?” he cautioned earnestly, visibly shaking from the gravity of his own cautionary tale. Some church leaders were quick to rally around Leo XIV, suggesting he was simply attempting to “re-establish the moral compass” of the church, a feat that apparently involves taking all the wrong turns down Memory Lane. Others pointed out the glaring dissonance between his remarks and the extraordinarily popular “Who Am I to Judge?” mantra established by his predecessor, which has since been the religious equivalent of a favorite playlist for LGBTQ+ Catholics. Not to be outdone, the Vatican’s public relations team jumped into damage control, releasing a statement that they are “actively working to ensure that the Pope’s wardrobe includes a time machine that can prevent him from turning back the clock on progress.” Reportedly, they also hope to incorporate “Eternal Hope” into the papal playlist, much to the delight of inclusive Catholics everywhere. Meanwhile, Leo XIV has continued to promote his old-school ideas, advocating for a revival of “Traditional Values” and “The Good Old Days,” which, in his mind, involved scrolling through the yellow pages and avoiding telephone calls. No word yet on whether he’ll issue a papal bull declaring the internet “a passing fad.” As the dust settles and the Vatican navigates this unprecedented rhetoric rewind, one thing is clear: the Catholic Church’s new era under Pope Leo XIV may very well dim the twinkling lights of inclusivity that had begun to shine under the past papacy. But hey, who needs progress when you can have nostalgia?