In a scene that could only be described as tragically routine, a gunman in New Jersey was arrested yesterday following yet another afternoon of indiscriminate shooting. The suspect, a 27-year-old who reportedly “just had a rough week,” showcased the kind of spontaneity that has become as quintessentially American as apple pie. Locals, still shaking off the effects of their morning coffee, noted the eerily calm response to the chaos unfolding on their streets. “It’s like, here we go again,” remarked one resident while casually scrolling through a list of thoughts and prayers on Twitter. Witnesses detailed how the event unfolded much like a poorly scripted reality show. “He just whipped out a gun like it was a new iPhone or something,” one bystander recounted. “I half expected him to announce a sponsorship deal.” While the scene left many traumatized, others expressed their frustration over the lack of originality in these acts of violence. “Can’t anyone come up with something new these days? It’s always guns, and it’s always so predictable,” griped a local TikTok influencer, who promptly turned the situation into a social media trend dubbed #AmateurShooter. Local authorities held a press conference where they stressed that the unfortunate incident was merely a “typical Tuesday in America.” The police chief emphasized that despite the disheartening regularity of gun violence, this wasn’t a crime—oh no, it was simply “part of the American fabric.” He compared it to the changing of the seasons, as if updating a wardrobe for the new climate. “One minute it’s snowing; the next, it’s gunfire. It’s just how we roll here.” Meanwhile, victims’ families began collecting the debris of shattered lives like trophies in a national pastime. Flowers were laid in solemn remembrance, as volunteers handed out brochures on how to cope. “Hey, it’s not like we can change the system,” said one grieving relative, who was also considering a side gig selling T-shirts with slogans like “I survived another shooting!” emblazoned across the front. Politicians, of course, took to social media in swift response, sharing their outrage like it was Black Friday doorbuster deals. “Thoughts and prayers go out to the victims,” tweeted one senator, who is currently lobbying for the right to bear arms while wearing a ‘Never Forget’ cap. In these moments of tragedies, bipartisanship shines, with various parties clashing over the necessity of armed superheroes or just a little more spray foam in public spaces. As the dust settled over New Jersey, it appears that everyone will simply go back to their daily lives, waiting with bated breath for the next headline, the next shooting, the next parade of condolences. It’s a tragic ritual, but for many, it’s just another day in the land of the free, where freedom of expression sometimes means expressing oneself with a weapon. And while the debate rages on about mental health, gun control, and whether or not to blame video games, one thing remains certain: the cycle will continue, and so will the discussions—until the next man rises, gun in hand, ready to carve his name into the annals of sad American history. So, what’s for dinner tonight?