In a shocking development that absolutely no one saw coming, the nation’s trust in the Department of Justice and the FBI has plummeted to an all-time low. Polls indicate that an overwhelming number of Americans now view the notion of a "fair and nonpartisan" justice system as merely a charming phrase used in employee handbooks—right next to “team player” and “must love dogs.” As President-elect Donald Trump’s attorney general pick, Pam Bondi, readies for her upcoming Senate grilling (and possible fondue party), public confidence in the system is reportedly hovering around a mere 20%. This number is startling considering that most people still believe in Santa Claus with greater fervor. In a stunning announcement, the FBI has decided to hold a bake sale to raise funds for their public relations efforts. “We’re hoping to win back some hearts with cookies,” said an anonymous agency spokesperson. “Nothing says ‘trust us’ quite like a plate of freshly baked goods—especially chocolate chip.” Meanwhile, Americans who were asked to comment on their confidence in the Justice Department responded with a varying array of emojis: the shrug emoji, the clown face, and a particularly emotive use of the middle finger emoji. One particularly disillusioned citizen quipped, “Honestly, I trust my cat more to intervene in a serious matter than I trust the FBI.” In an attempt to combat the nosedive in public perception, high-level officials at the DOJ are reportedly engaging in team-building activities, including trust falls and interpretive dance. According to an insider, “We just think the public needs to see us doing something ‘human’ to remind them we have feelings too.” Bondi, gearing up for her confirmation hearings, may propose an innovative plan to restore trust: wearing blindfolds during decision-making and applying a spin-the-bottle approach to legal interpretations. “It’ll be random, it’ll be fun, and most importantly, it’ll be better than what we currently have,” she stated. In response to declining confidence, both the DOJ and FBI have released statements declaring their commitment to transparency in the most transparent manner possible—by promising not to promise anything at all. “Trust us,” they insisted. “We’re here to serve, not to make any guarantees—unless you’re talking about the double chocolate fudge brownies at the bake sale, those are a sure thing.” As the nation collectively rolls its eyes at the prospect of “justice” in 2023, the question remains: when it comes to restoring faith in these crucial institutions, will baked goods be enough to satisfy a nation yearning for accountability? Only time and a solid tray of cookies can tell.