In a thrilling twist that has shocked absolutely no one, the Washington Nationals have emerged victorious from baseball’s Draft Lottery, securing the coveted No. 1 overall pick for the first time since they selected Bryce Harper in 2010. With a dazzling 71-91 record last season, they demonstrated a masterclass in the art of just barely missing the playoffs, and are now set to add a new face to their roster that is statistically unlikely to be as good as their last No. 1 pick. The Nationals’ triumph in the lottery has sparked a wave of reckless optimism among fans who are now convinced that the new player will certainly be the “next big thing”—you know, the one that actually helps the team win games instead of just looking good in a jersey. “We’re thrilled! Just imagine the possibilities!” exclaimed one fan while frantically scrolling through highlights of every potential draft pick, ensuring their hopes are wildly based on a few impressive college home runs, rather than any actual Major League experience. General Manager Mike Rizzo took time out of his busy schedule of pretending to listen to an endless stream of trade proposals from other clubs to comment on the selection. “It’s great for the franchise,” he said. “What better way to bolster our roster than with a player who might—just might—actually turn out to be good? I mean, sure, we could always draft another infielder that plays like a intersecting line at a geometry convention, but this time we’re feeling lucky. Who knows? Maybe we’ll get a future Hall of Famer or at least a nice baseball card.” Analysts predict the Nationals could go in several directions with their pick. Will they draft a foundational player who could help turn the franchise around or choose a dubious choice that will eventually lead to a retrospective compilation of “What were we thinking?” moments? “It’s hard to say,” remarked a sports analyst wearing a tinfoil hat and clutching a crystal ball. “All I know is that if they don’t pick the guy with the best Instagram following, they’re doing it wrong.” Additionally, social media sleuths have already begun dissecting the potential picks’ most ridiculous tweets from their high school years, arguing over who has the best chance of becoming a PR nightmare should they ever accidentally tweet at their old high school’s lunch menu. “If he’s good at baseball, who cares what he tweeted about the lunch lady?” exclaimed one overly-invested fan, before returning to scrolling through old yearbook photos for any incriminating evidence. In the end, the Nationals face a pivotal choice that will define not just their next season, but potentially the next decade—do they draft another star player who could lift them out of mediocrity, or roll the dice on someone who might ultimately become the next baseball card sensation that promotes the slogan: “He had potential, but…” Fans can only wait and hold their breath as they watch the organization peer through the foggy crystal ball of future talents with slightly less clarity than ever before.