In a bold move that can only be described as an oil empire’s dream come true, the Mountain Valley Pipeline is gearing up to stretch its metaphorical greedy arms into North Carolina with its audacious Southgate Extension. Citizens are reportedly thrilled to learn that their quaint mountain views will soon be generously obstructed by colossal pipelines slithering through their once-picturesque landscape. Environmentalists are expected to cheer the extension into existence, right before they’re promptly silenced by the deafening sounds of bulldozers and the unmistakable aroma of money changing hands. Local residents can look forward to a fresh playlist of construction noise, a delightful cocktail of rumbling machines and the occasional disgruntled raccoon fleeing from its newly disrupted habitat. Supporters of the pipeline have already begun circulating a petition to officially declare the Southgate Extension a “National Treasure.” “I just can’t wait for my tap water to gain that special, energizing flavor that only fossil fuels can provide!” exclaimed local enthusiast Buck McGreed. “It adds a sense of adventure to my morning routine! You never know when it’s going to bubble or turn an unusual shade of green!” Meanwhile, local politicians have jumped on the bandwagon, their enthusiasm matched only by the amounts of campaign contributions rolling in faster than the proposed velocity of gas through the pipeline itself. “This extension will bring jobs, prosperity, and of course, an absolutely unparalleled opportunity for our children to witness climate change firsthand!” proclaimed Mayor Greenbucks, whose previous concerns about environmental policy appear to be conveniently stored in the shredder. In a glorious display of irony, the Mountain Valley Pipeline promises that the construction will adhere to the highest safety standards — standards that are notoriously adjustable, depending on how many lawmakers are in the immediate vicinity, and how many zeroes are on the check they received. Residents can rest easy knowing that the phrase “best practices” means something entirely different in the world of pipeline operations. As for the local wildlife, there’s already chatter about forming a union. “We’re just trying to live our lives here, you know? But now we’ve got to figure out whether to pack our bags for Canada or organize a protest with the other squirrels,” muttered a frustrated raccoon who preferred to be unnamed. In preparation for the impending environmental disaster, a new Benny Hill-style reality show is said to be in the works. “Pipeline Prowess” will showcase the bravest among citizens who engage in an amusing yet futile game of dodge-the-pipeline. Contestants will win cash prizes for every foot of pipe they manage to detour without losing their sanity or their land. As the Southgate Extension inches closer to reality, community members are urged to remain hopeful. After all, nothing says “economic growth” quite like a shiny new pipeline snaking through the heart of their beloved North Carolina. What a thrilling era it will be, where denied permits and half-hearted environmental assessments meet their match in the powerful and utterly unstoppable force of corporate greed! Cheers to progress!