In a shocking turn of events that has left doughnut lovers and bread enthusiasts alike in a state of disbelief, Morrisons has announced its latest strategic move: the closure of its Rathbones bakery. Almost 400 dedicated bakery workers will soon trade their aprons for unemployment benefits in what the company is calling a “thorough review” of its baking operations. Who knew that ‘sourdough’ could take on a whole new meaning? Morrisons, the UK’s fifth-largest supermarket, decided that the best way to rise to the occasion was to knead their costs down by baking away nearly 400 jobs. Union representatives quickly denounced this move, claiming the company has “thrown workers on the scrapheap”—which is ironic, given that the only thing they seem to be scrapping are the dreams of hard-working bakers. “Though we explored several routes to return the business to profitability,” Morrisons announced, “we found that the most effective route was… straight out the back door. We figure that instead of selling bread, we’ll sell air. There’s a booming market for that, right?” Sources close to the company have suggested that the decision stems not only from the financial challenges of running a bakery but also from a desire to pivot towards more innovative products—such as invisible bread and virtual pastries. “After all,” a spokesperson added, “in today’s digital age, who needs gluten?” While the Rathbones bakery might have been the breadbasket for many families, its impending closure is prompting a rising tide of sympathy for the soon-to-be unemployed bakers. “It’s tough out there,” one worker lamented. “After years of perfecting my sourdough recipe, I now have to face reality—do I venture into a career in tech, or should I give my baking skills another shot as an influencer? #BakerToUnemployed” In a twist of bitter irony, the news comes on the heels of a colossal spike in demand for baked goods thanks to the rise of home baking during the pandemic. Bakeries across the country have been raking in profits while Morrisons appears to have decided to toss its employees into the proverbial oven. Meanwhile, the supermarket has reassured the public that it remains committed to providing delicious baked goods—just without the human touch. “We’re exploring a riveting range of automation options,” they said. “Imagine a robot baking bread while reciting Shakespeare! Who needs human bakers when we have technology?” As the wake of the news sinks in, local residents have begun to voice their concerns. “If they think I’m going to drive to the supermarket to buy tasteless, pre-packaged bread, they’ve got another thing coming,” one loyal customer remarked while eyeing a sad loaf of bread on the shelf. “I demand my artisan loaves back!” While the future of the Rathbones operation hangs in the balance, it’s clear that a global epidemic of empty stomachs and diminished spirits is on the very near horizon—a cardiovascular risk that even Morrisons’ finest pastries couldn’t possibly address. As negotiations began, one can only hope that these bakers rise again—not just from the dough, but from the ashes of corporate greed.