In a stunning turn of events, Pope Francis has reportedly passed away while meticulously recycling his chalice and composing a heartfelt letter to world leaders about climate change. Witnesses say he was engaged in an intense meditation on the Vatican balcony, surrounded by hundreds of candles and a shocking lack of fresh air, when he simply ceased to exist, likely overwhelmed by the ironic reality of his own existence. As the world grapples with the news of the pontiff's demise, environmental activists are organizing a new holiday: “Living in the Pope’s Name.” The day will celebrate denialism, deforestation, and delightful gatherings that never address the root causes of climate change—just like many of the recent papal encyclicals. In a press release, one activist exclaimed, “We’ve finally achieved what the Vatican has always touted: a clean exit while the world burns. Talk about leaving on a high note!” The Vatican confirmed that the Pope's last words—the legible remnants scribbled on the back of a pamphlet titled “10 Ways to Go Green Without Really Trying”—were, “I believe in dialogue, unless it means actually changing my habits.” Environmentalists praised the Pope's lifelong commitment to addressing climate issues, even as they acknowledged that visiting the Sistine Chapel—you know, the one with all those frescoes—would require significant energy and emissions for the average pilgrim. “It’s just like him to keep poking at the issue without ever touching the big problems,” stated one disheartened climate scientist. Leaders from around the globe reacted with mixed feelings. Some offered condolences while others noted that the planet did not wait for mortal oversight. In an unprecedented show of support, global figures including the CEO of Big Oil and the President of Garbage Island took to social media to express how much they will miss pontifical platitudes. The hashtag #BurningAltar began trending instantly as people cast their thoughts on the irony of a world losing its moral compass right before it started burning entirely. Meanwhile, conspiracy theories have begun to swirl around the circumstances of the Pope's unexpected passing. Did he, perhaps, slip on a banana peel shaped like a polar ice cap? Did he inadvertently summon the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by trying to meditate on the planet’s fate? Or was it simply a case of overexerting himself on an environmentally-friendly treadmill? In the wake of his departure, influential figures across the Catholic Church are scrambling to determine who will take on the difficult task of continuing to preach love and humility while dodging the uncomfortable truth about climate change. Cardinal Lamentabile, known for his hardline stance on keeping things “exactly as they are,” expressed hopes for a papal successor who will take a more aggressive tone on the environment: “There’s too much in this world that needs to be saved to leave it all up to divine intervention,” he proclaimed, adjusting his bespoke silk robes and gazing out over an oil spill. For now, the world will have to make do with the memory of a Pope who preached righteousness while sitting at a table set for twenty—a curious juxtaposition reflective of the world’s ongoing struggles. As the planet tends to its wounds and the Vatican scrambles to find a new moral leader, at least one thing is clear: the cycle of life, and death, remains remarkably on-brand.