In an unprecedented turn of affairs, the city of Melbourne has officially deemed the Monash University suburb as “that place we just can’t with,” leaving many in the community to reflect on the heartbreak of an unrequited love that’s plagued both parties for decades. The rejection was announced at a solemn press conference held in a chic café in Fitzroy, where a group of city officials, flanked by a chorus of hipsters, invalidated any lingering notions of amity with Monash. “It’s not you, it’s us… Actually, wait, it really is you,” the mayor declared with a somber flip of his man bun, adding that the city had run out of patience for Monash’s incessant “taking without giving” over the years. Monash University, known for its high academic standards and the ability to produce a staggering number of medical graduates who understand your ailments much better than they should, received the news with an air of stunned silence. The university’s Chancellor, dressed impeccably for the occasion, was reported to have quietly sighed into her flat white before commenting, “We didn’t realize Melbourne was such a commitment-phobe.” Melbourne’s discontent with Monash has been brewing since the first awkward school dance when the suburbs of Clayton and Caulfield got together but quickly realized they had absolutely nothing in common (outside of a shared disdain for traffic). Those who closely monitored the relationship saw the signs—Melbourne’s reluctance to provide public transportation options to Monash, coupled with a distinct lack of social invites to city events. In a shocking exposé by the local paper, it was revealed that the Melbourne City Council had designated February 14th as “Monash Appreciation Day” solely to be met with a collective eye roll from its citizens. Clutching to their textbooks and wondering where it all went wrong, students from Monash took to social media to pour their hearts out. “Swiped left on my university from an entire city,” lamented one distraught student. “It’s tough knowing that even our art is edgy enough to scare them off.” Several others shared memes depicting Melbourne as a hipster barista snubbing Monash while reluctantly serving it overpriced avocado toast. In response to the rejection, Monash University has vowed to spool out heartbreaking literature and monologues on the “emotional turbulence” of unrequited love; however, Melbourne has hastily labeled these efforts as “yet another excuse for students to talk about their feelings” and promptly rolled their eyes in response. City officials have declared this separation as “for the better,” noting that the art scene is now free to explore new avenues, potentially inviting La Trobe University to join the Melbourne circle instead. “Let’s just say, we’ve had our sights on a more resonant relationship,” the mayor said, smiling through the tears as he gazed longingly at a nearby tram, “and we promise, it’ll have way more character.” In a twist of fate, as the sunset cast its glow over Melbourne, a candlelit vigil was organized for all those who had to navigate the turbulent waters of the Monash-Melbourne affair. Attendees were encouraged to share poems, wear black, and sip on overpriced cocktails while lamenting lost opportunities on public transport routes yet unbuilt. As the “No Thanks” banners flutter ominously through the city, Melbourne stands firm in its decision, forever entrenched in its longing gaze at what could have been, reminding Monash that love may be a draft but breaking up is a fully signed and notarized document.