In a daring move that has left political commentators scratching their heads and GOP members rolling their eyes, Maryland has decided to embark on a grand adventure in climate policy while the rest of the nation focuses on the riveting discussions of tax cuts and dinner menus at Mar-a-Lago. As President Trump boldly eyes the oval office with the kind of unyielding confidence usually reserved for a toddler wielding a crayon, Maryland has taken it upon itself to lead the charge against climate change—because clearly, who better to tackle ecological disaster than a state known for its blue crabs and crabcakes? Maryland Governor Wes Moore, sporting a flair for drama, announced the “Maryland Green Initiative” on a balmy Tuesday morning, shortly after sipping an iced coffee infused with the tears of polar bears. The campaign aims to reduce greenhouse gas emissions by a staggering 50% by 2030. “Other states might be busy discussing tax policies and gold-plated golf courses,” Moore proclaimed while standing atop a mound of compost made from discarded political promises, “but in Maryland, we’re too busy saving the planet!” The Initiative includes such groundbreaking ideas as converting all state vehicles to run on eelgrass and encouraging residents to plant “climate gardens” filled with kale and other plants that are somehow more important than ever before. When asked about the practicality of these measures, Moore shrugged and said, “It’ll be fine. Have you ever seen a crab complain?” Indeed, crabs are notoriously tight-lipped about public policy. Meanwhile, Trump, undaunted by Maryland’s boldness, has dismissed the state’s efforts as “a dangerous distraction” from his plan to build the “world’s greatest golf course” fueled by fossil fuels. “Let’s face it,” Trump tweeted with a decisive flick of his tiny fingers, “who needs clean air when you can have perfect greens and club sandwiches? The climate can wait; I have real estate to sell!” His supporters echoed his sentiments, waving their “Make America Grill Again” banners and proudly sporting T-shirts that read “Drill, Baby, Drill!” which they believe is a campaign to get more hotdogs at their local 7-Eleven. Amidst the fervor, Marylanders are torn between eco-warrior ambitions and their unabashed love for crab boils. Restaurants are now offering “Carbon Footprint Specials” where patrons can feast guilt-free on sustainably caught crabs while sipping organic cocktails made with recycled straws. “It’s all about balance!” exclaimed one enthusiastic diner, trying desperately to suppress a tear for the melting ice caps as she gnawed on her Old Bay seasoned delicacy. In an effort to further demonize fossil fuels, the Maryland government is also encouraging citizens to adopt “Green Gimmicks,” which essentially involves posting selfies on social media while pretending to plant trees. In a recent town hall meeting, one enterprising citizen presented a PowerPoint titled, “Turning Your Kitchen Scraps into a Movement,” explaining how making Instagram reels of composting makes a much bigger splash than actually composting. As Maryland continues its audacious endeavor to fight climate change, the rest of the nation seems content to roll their eyes and wait for Trump’s next spectacular tweet on why renewable energy is “a hoax.” In the end, whether you’re swatting away gnats while trying to save the planet or perfecting your golf swing at 150 acres of prime real estate, the real winners might just be the crabs, blissfully unaware of the chaos swirling around them—if only they could vote.