In a groundbreaking legal decision that has left survivors of the Manchester Arena bombing feeling like characters in a Kafka novel, judges at the Investigatory Powers Tribunal (IPT) have confirmed that MI5 is basically untouchable—like a superhero but without the spandex. The tribunal ruled that over 300 individuals affected by the horrific attack must take their grievances to the afterlife, as they can no longer pursue legal action against the British security services. "We simply couldn’t figure out how to hold MI5 accountable without breaking into a chorus of 'God Save the Queen,'” remarked a frustrated survivor as they packed up the emotional baggage they thought they could unload in court. “It’s like asking a Kardashian to explain the concept of humility—good luck getting anything substantial.” The tribunal’s reasoning was astoundingly reflective of a world where due process has taken an extended holiday. Lord Justice Singh and Mrs. Justice Farbey remarkably likened MI5 to a magic eight ball, stating, “We should not interfere with their mystical ability to predict threats. After all, who needs human rights when you have intuition?” To add a dash of absurdity, the ruling concluded with a suggestion that affected individuals could appear in a celestial tribunal where spirits of deceased lawyers might take up their cause while engaging in intergalactic debates over the merits of government transparency. “Just make sure to bring your own ghostwriter, preferably one who knows how to dodge difficult questions,” quipped a source close to the tribunal. In a recent press conference, the MI5 office issued a statement dripping with sarcasm: “We would like to express our sincerest apologies for not preventing the tragedy. Nevertheless, we find that our ability to navigate the very human sphere is merely a suggestion and not an obligation. Our powers extend to preventing evil, but, sadly, not to actually showing up in court.” As survivors face the complicated emotions of being told that their fight for justice needs to take a detour into the unknown, one thing is clear: MI5's motto has officially been rewritten to "We protect and serve—only if it’s convenient."