In a bold move that left pundits scratching their heads, Malaysia's Government has issued a heartfelt plea to the media, imploring them to "play nice" and avoid turning their political shenanigans into anything resembling a soap opera. In a statement released Tuesday, a government spokesperson lamented, "We understand that drama sells, but for the love of durian, please don’t make us look like a soap opera!" The request comes amid a flurry of political maneuvers involving politicians dramatically pointing fingers and a series of press conferences that sometimes resemble more of a theatrical performance than a governmental address. In what appeared to be the final straw, an official was reportedly spotted bonding with a local cat in an attempt to bring a little levity to the situation—prompting the media to label him "Cat Man." In an unprecedented effort to keep things light and entertaining, the government announced a series of "Non-Soap Opera Guidelines." These include avoiding dramatic lighting during speeches, eliminating any unnecessary cliffhangers in announcements, and banning the use of melodramatic music during debates. “We just want to sit down, discuss things rationally, and not have our political landscape compared to a daytime drama,” said the spokesperson. To emphasize their point, they conducted a public demonstration featuring government officials engaged in cheesy acting exercises. One official, dressed as a leading man straight out of a soap, said, “Hear me now, or forever hold your peace!” while another emphasized unity by hugging a tree with a wild fervor. The media, however, isn’t so easily dissuaded. News outlets have already begun brainstorming new ways to turn political turmoil into captivating content, with ideas such as "Real Housewives of Parliament" and "Keeping Up with the Kerfuffles." “Listen, drama is what gets the clicks,” said an editor from a popular news magazine. “Besides, who doesn’t want to see politicians fighting in a mud pit while making policy decisions?” In a surprising twist, several real-life soap opera stars have volunteered to help the government with public relations, offering to tone down the melodrama in exchange for a starring role in the next season of “The Adventures of The Malaysian Executive.” “I can just see it now—‘As the Parliament Turns,’” remarked one hopeful actor, clearly excited at the prospect. In response to the ongoing media frenzy, the government has scheduled an unprecedented series of “Calm Your Drama” workshops for high-profile officials. As the session began, a prime ministerial aide offered this sage advice: “Sometimes, it’s okay to just say it like it is. No need to embellish. We’re not writing scripts here!” As the government attempts to reel in its narrative, one thing is clear: the media will continue to tug at the threads of drama surrounding Malaysian politics, proving that no amount of sobering guidelines can stop the relentless pursuit of a riveting storyline. So, while the government may wish for a more serene and straightforward political atmosphere, journalists everywhere are busy sharpening their quills for yet another episode in the Malaysian political soap opera—tentatively titled "Days of Our Lives (in Parliament)."