In an unprecedented twist in the ongoing saga of modern travel, America’s glorious national parks have taken a page straight from the playbook of five-star luxury resorts, leaving your average adventurer contemplating whether their tent is suitable collateral for a three-night stay. Park entrances are now adorned with velvet ropes, and the scenic trails whisper promises of exclusive experiences for those willing to reach into their wallets deep enough to touch the very core of the Earth. The National Park Service, in a bid for profitability that would make even corporate tycoons blush, has decided that the rustic charm of campfires and starry nights needs a serious upgrade. According to an unnamed source who may or may not be at the helm of this radical shift, the new motto is “why stare at the Milky Way when you can gaze at our artisanal s’mores platter?” This month's special feature? Glamping tents equipped with silk sheets and personal attendants—all for the small price of your life savings. For those desperately clutching their financial dignity, there’s still the option of a “classic” camping site, available for a mere $225 per night. Worry not; that’s only up from last year’s $35. Who would want to enjoy the primal experience of nature without those deluxe amenities like electric blankets and climate-controlled air? “Nature is like a fine wine,” said a park spokesperson while sipping on something that definitely cost more than your last dinner out. “Why allow it to go to waste on those who can’t appreciate its true luxury?” In a bold move, picnic areas are being revamped to include gourmet dining from Michelin-starred chefs, while “nature walks” will now feature a personal guide educating you on how to mindfully breathe while boiling your $10 bottle of spring water for hot cocoa. Yet, fear not, the parks are still committed to conservation. In fact, they promise to plant a tree for every overpriced latte sold at its newly established café, called “The Wilderness Grind.” Critics scoff that this is mere greenwashing functionally known as a “palm tree planted in your pocket,” but who can deny the allure of sipping an oat-milk latte while surrounded by nature’s magnificent green backdrop—especially when it’s served in a biodegradable cup that costs an arm and a leg? Meanwhile, the average family looking to experience the wilderness—once the bread and butter of these natural havens—stands at a crossroads. They can either mortgage their home for a weekend excursion or content themselves with watching nature documentaries in their air-conditioned living rooms. After all, who needs the wonders of the great outdoors when you can experience it vicariously through a screen, complete with a popcorn buffet? For those who remain undeterred by the rising costs and wish to embrace the great outdoors on a budget, they are now “invited” to join in activities such as “self-guided trails” for the low, low price of $100. Of course, you will need to find your way back without GPS and fight off rabid squirrels—all part of the authentic wilderness experience, as promised by an enthusiastic park brochure. As the leaves change colors and the summer hikers pack up their Instagram posts of overpriced hiking boots, one must ponder the future of adventure in a world where camping under a billion stars could soon involve a credit check. Because what better way to respect nature than to treat it as the latest high-end marketplace, proving yet again that when it comes to enjoying the great outdoors, there’s no price too steep—unless, of course, you’re just trying to enjoy the great outdoors.