In a groundbreaking move hailed by social media influencers and conservationists alike, the government has announced an initiative to "return" land to Native American tribes, a stunning gesture that has many asking if it’s really about giving land back or simply generating feel-good headlines. Dubbed the “Land Back to the Natives” initiative, this program is expected to ensure that millions of acres of national parks will now be “managed” by indigenous peoples, but with just a tiny catch: they’ll still have to pay entrance fees and follow the same bureaucratic red tape that made them such expert "land managers" in the first place. In a press conference, the Secretary of the Interior proudly affirmed, “We’re thrilled to be handing over the keys to the past in a way that allows us to keep the land our parks rest on. No longer will we bear the burden of history alone!” The initiative is set to allow tribes to “manage” park land, which includes a lovely contract that stipulates they can plant whichever species of flora they want, as long as it can be used for overpriced essential oils and Instagram aesthetics. Activist and self-proclaimed “eco-warrior” Jenna Greenleaf commented, “This is a real win for representation! I mean, sure, the land will essentially remain the same, and tourists can continue to Instagram their views of natural beauty while munching on overpriced gluten-free kale chips, but now there’s a backstory!” When asked about actual land reparations, Greenleaf shrugged and replied, “Those conversations can wait until after the next vegan brunch.” Local tribes are reportedly thrilled about the move, albeit perplexed. One tribal leader stated, “For years, we had been asking for our land back. Now it’s like being given a half-eaten slice of cake with a card that says 'We love you.' It’s very sweet, but we’re still hungry.” As a part of the rebranding, parks will feature shiny new signs proclaiming “Natives Welcome!” next to the forms where visitors will still have to sign waivers for potential injuries caused by hiking, or issues with wildlife who were reportedly looking for a peaceful existence before being interactive exhibits. Skeptics point out that while the program is shrouded in altruism, it is cleverly designed around a lucrative tourism agenda. An unnamed source within the National Parks Service hinted that park entrance fees would be redirected to fund “innovative” marketing campaigns, ensuring that tourists continue to flock to the locations under the guise of cultural awareness. “Think less ‘land back’ and more ‘land play,’” the source quipped. Critics also noted the irony of “land back” coming at a time when government officials are busy signing off on drilling permits just a stone's throw away from the newly “returned” lands. A campsite just outside the boundaries of the park is slated to open soon, boasting state-of-the-art facilities where visitors can “experience” Native culture—all while reclining in luxury tents and drinking artisanal lattes made from beans sourced globally. Undeterred by the skepticism, government officials have encouraged the public to “embrace the spirit of inclusivity.” Meanwhile, the “Natives Welcome!” kiosks will soon be hired to train racially diverse mascot characters, complete with headdresses, who will educate guests on the joys of cultural appreciation through gift shop purchases. As the dust settles on this symbolic return of land, one thing is clear: when it comes to preserving the environment while covering all bases, feel-good gestures will always triumph over meaningful action. In a world hungry for change, the government stands ready to serve just the right amount of crumbs.