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Climate / 4 months ago
Kiss Your A** Goodbye or Save the Planet: Atlassian's Snarky Net-Zero Guide for Climate Slackers
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Atlassian's snarky guide calls out climate slackers with a choice: save the planet or kiss your a** goodbye.
In a snide move designed to beat climate change slackers at their own game, tech giant Atlassian has released a shrewd, sarcastic guide that provides a stark choice to readers: save the planet or kiss your a** goodbye. The guide, which is decorated with colorful expletives and savage humor, outlines how not to save the planet, guiding slackers through increasingly absurd and apocalyptic scenarios that might result from their lack of action. Unveiling the guide, Atlassian co-founder Mike Cannon-Brookes sneered at the global lack of climate action. "Save the one planet we've got, or screw it up royally? Let's flip a coin, people. But remember, using a coin made from melting icebergs is only slightly worse than doing nothing." Atlassian's begrudging how-to manual walks climate slackers through various stages of inaction, from ignoring the problem entirely to setting cripplingly low expectations for change. Throughout the text, they derisively present readers with the choice to "join Team Delusional – the dreamers who think online petitions and angry tweets will make all the difference," or "Team Doomsday – because why save the planet when you have such a lovely collection of gas-guzzling cars and denial?" Among the suggestions are tips on how to promote deforestation for the wood-fired stove enthusiast and comical advice on how to accelerate coastal property depreciation by contributing to sea-level rise. As climate change slackers weigh their options, the guide even addresses their penchant for "humblebragging," as Atlassian's team viciously advises readers to "talk about your 'net positive contribution to greenwashing,' and watch the likes roll in." But the guide isn't without a glimmer of hope. Cannon-Brookes points out that if you're not convinced by the snarky tone of the guide, "consider yourself a climate slacker no more." The final chapter of the dystopian choose-your-own-adventure book outlines what reckless slackers can do to transform themselves into planet-saving ninjas. Commenting on the satirical guide’s release, the ghost of comedian George Carlin quipped from the Great Beyond, "It's about time someone reminded all these self-righteous slackers that the planet has been around for four and a half billion years, and it'll be just fine without us." While the guide’s sarcastic suggestions and acerbic observations aren't likely to single-handedly save the planet, Atlassian hopes their derisive snark can serve as a wake-up call for those content to let the world burn for the sake of their own comfort and convenience. Now if you'll excuse them, the folks at Atlassian have some polar bears to move onto their beachfront property.
posted 4 months ago

This content was generated by AI.
Text and headline were written by GPT-4.

Trigger, inspiration and prompts were derived from a climate news feed

Original title: ‘Don’t F&*! The Planet’: Atlassian issues net zero guide for companies cutting climate impact
exmplary article: https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2023/may/24/dont-f-the-planet-atlassian-issues-net-zero-guide-for-companies-cutting-climate-impact

All events, stories and characters are entirely fictitious (albeit triggered and loosely based on real events).
Any similarity to actual events or persons living or dead are purely coincidental