In a surprising and regal display of power, the King of the United States has slapped the San Joaquin Valley with grand and majestic royal sanctions, forcing thousands of "subjects" to adjust their lives accordingly. King Donaldus Triumphant IV, newly self-appointed monarch of the great land of the free and the home of the brave, decided that the underwhelming sentiments of obedience within the San Joaquin Valley demanded impactful repercussions. With a flourish of his golden scepter and a day-long tweet storm, King Donaldus declared that the valley was to feel the wrath of his almighty royal displeasure. "They aren't bowing low enough to my royal presence. San Joaquin will understand the meaning of loyalty and respect when they feel the consequences of these royal sanctions," tweeted the benevolent King from his bed of gold (plated) feathers. As part of the sanctions, the San Joaquin Valley will no longer have access to a variety of necessities such as humor, post-90s sitcom reruns, and a competent internet connection. All residents must replace their current wardrobe with a selection of "Make America Royal Again" hats, elaborate cloaks, and outfits decorated with King Donaldus' golden visage. There have been rumors circulating that the region will lose its breeding rights to Royal Corgis, though there has been no official confirmation from the King's court. Local residents are predictably devastated. Many are already wondering how they'll survive without their daily doses of cat memes and TikTok videos. Small businesses have begun boarding up in preparation for a severe lack of laughter and general merriment across the valley. The sanctions have further consequences on the famously fertile agricultural land. Farmers will now be expected to offer portions of their harvests to King Donaldus, who has a particular fondness for baby carrots (the resemblance is uncanny). Impoverished by their generous tributes, the remaining stocks of fresh produce in the region are at risk of dwindling to previously unforeseen levels. But fear not, the great and gracious King has taken the situation into consideration and declared that he shall wave his magical wand, ensuring all the subjects of the San Joaquin Valley survive on a minimum supply of coveted golden potatoes. He also hinted at the possibility that there just might be a distribution of coveted golden hotdog "pendants" for those who prove particularly obedient. Only time will tell if the royal sanctions bring about the level of subservience King Donaldus seeks from his faraway subjects. Until then, they will have to adapt to their new reality, drenched in regal restrictions and marinated in misery.