In a shocking development that has left analysts and everyday citizens alike scratching their heads, John Holt, the enigmatic chairman of the eponymous Holding Company, has reportedly taken control of “absolutely everything”—that is, everything except your soul, if you still believe in such antiquated concepts. In today’s economy, where dreams are often as fleeting as a Snapchat story, John Holt’s empire is emerging as the ultimate life coach. For a small fee—typically the cost of three overpriced lattes—Holt’s company will hold onto your last glimmer of hope along with your investment portfolio. “It’s a win-win,” Holt said in a recent press conference, swathed in garments that scream ‘trust fund billionaire’ while simultaneously whispering ‘invest in my messiah complex’. “Why bother ensuring your own financial stability when you could hand it over to us? I mean, who wouldn’t want to let a largely faceless corporation manage the shattered remains of their expectations?” remarked Holt, with a grin that could easily be mistaken for corporate jargon come to life. “At John Holt, we hold it all: your money, your dreams, and those deep-seated fears you have about the future. But don’t worry, we promise to package everything neatly—safeguarded in a vault that we may or may not have just created.” The announcement has taken critics aback. “Holt’s business model is brilliant, in a completely dystopian sort of way,” said a bewildered economic theorist. “In a world where personal agency can be outsourced to a corporation on every corner, why not let a holding company moonlight as your life coach? Forget about self-reliance; it’s time for corporate reliance!” Stock prices surged following the press conference, setting off wild speculation among investors about which life experiences the holding company would acquire next. Options on happiness, spontaneity, and emotional intelligence are expected to hit the market by the end of the fiscal quarter, leading some to question: will there be a subscription service for those desperate to cling to their humanity? As for the loyal customers, many have found solace in relinquishing their sanity to the corporate giants. “Instead of worrying about making choices, I just pay a monthly fee for John Holt to hold my existential dread,” raved one satisfied client. “Sure, I can’t afford rent, but at least I know my elongated misery is safely in the hands of professionals!” In response to accusations of commodifying hope, Holt defensively stated, “Hope is a liquid asset—a bit like trust, which we too hold. Yes, we can monetize that, and it’s simply good business. Besides, folks might as well tilt their hats to the inevitable grinding of the capitalist wheel and put their faith in us. We’re basically a benevolent overlord at this point.” Underpinning this newfound dedication to managing emotions and aspirations is Holt’s company motto, which now echoes through coffee shops, therapy sessions, and the interconnected web of social media feeds: “Why do it yourself when you can let us do it for you?” For those concerned that their dreams might end up juiced and sold on Wall Street, fret not. Holt reassured them in his closing remarks, “We don’t just hold cards; we hold your vision for the future. Even if your vision is hilariously naïve, we’ll make sure to crash it with style and flair.” As the world holds its breath (and wallets), John Holt reminds us: in the game of life, it’s always better to let someone else hold all the cards. After all, who wouldn’t want to gamble with their future?