In a shocking turn of events that has left fabric enthusiasts reeling, Joann, America’s beloved craft emporium, has announced a strategy for survival that involves a radical fewer-is-more approach. With their latest announcement of closing approximately 500 out of 850 stores, it's clear they are fully embracing their inner Marie Kondo, insisting that only craft supplies that “spark joy” should remain. Sources close to the fabric chain have revealed the company’s internal motto during this tumultuous restructuring: “If you can’t sell the fabric, why not just store it in our customers’ homes?” Joann advises that loyal crafters prepare for the crafting apocalypse by purchasing their beloved sequins, beads, and polka-dot fabrics en masse, as it might soon become harder to find than a needle in a haystack. The closures come hot on the heels of Joann's second bankruptcy filing in as many years. Apparently, the team found that frequent trips to the fabric store were no match for the perils of a turbulent economy and the rise of online competition. In a statement, Joann’s CEO lamented, “Who knew that social media influencers and DIY videos could create so many talented hobbyists that would rather watch a tutorial than buy from us?” As part of its “Get Crafty with Joann: Inventory Reduction Edition,” the company has even considered selling off entire stores as bulk lots. Rumor has it a prominent reality TV couple has already inquired about purchasing a Joann in a trendy neighborhood to turn into an artisanal cat café, going by the name “Paws & Crafts”—a decision that may leave die-hard crafters clawing their way to the nearest remaining Joann outpost. For those who are fortunate enough to have a store nearby, expect massive clearance sales that are probably more chaotic than your average Black Friday. While some worry about losing their local craft headquarters, others fantasize about newly vacant retail spaces repurposed into makeshift studios for impromptu sewing circle gatherings. As the crafting community grapples with this newfound scarcity, there’s a growing anticipation for “Crafting Retreats” where enthusiasts gather in what remains of their local Joann to share stories of the good old days when every color of the rainbow was but a shopping cart away. Meanwhile, hobbyists are stocking up as if preparing for a craft-related doomsday, after all, they can never have too many ribbons and fabric swatches—especially if they’re the last ones left! In true Joann style, the chain assured patrons that they would still be “around” in the digital space, although many are wary of how much “around” can be felt when your passionate pursuit of patchwork enthusiasm now requires you to turn to a screen. So grab your coupons while you can, throw on your best crafting apron, and prepare for the wild shopping sprees, because soon, those crafty stickers and glimmering glues may be the elusive treasures of a bygone era, leaving crafters to wonder if the fabric aisle is just a fading dream.