In a stunning turn of events proving that some stories are best left buried, Jane Doe has officially declared "Case Closed," deciding against resurrecting 25-year-old allegations of assault against hip-hop moguls Sean "Diddy" Combs and Jay-Z. The woman, who chose to remain anonymous, filed a notice of voluntary dismissal on Friday, much like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat — except this time, the rabbit didn’t hop out but rather crawled back into a dusty archive. The legal filing came with all the flair of a Hollywood closing scene, complete with the phrase "with prejudice," ensuring that no one even tries to open this particular can of worms ever again. “Our client has decided that some narratives may be better left in the 90s, alongside dial-up internet and grunge music,” stated Doe's attorney, embodying the spirit of nostalgic regret. In an act of unity that only seasoned rivals in the music industry could appreciate, the defendants gave a collective nod of consent. "We were just as surprised to hear about this as anyone else," stated Jay-Z's spokesperson. “We thought we were still fighting over who gets the last slice at the Roc Nation pizza party.” It's important to note that the dismissal came after extensive discussions between Doe’s legal team and attorneys for Diddy and Jay-Z, who reportedly celebrated the decision with a virtual recording session of “Shoulda Woulda Coulda.” Sources say the track will feature heated debates about the futility of rehashing old grievances, set against an upbeat bassline. In a world where every legal proceeding often feels like an endless sequel, Doe’s swift retreat is a refreshing chapter in the saga of celebrity feuds. “We can finally move on to more pressing matters,” Diddy’s attorney remarked, probably while checking if his lawyer jokes were still relevant. The prevailing sentiment seems to be that the past should stay in the past, unless there’s a lucrative documentary deal on the table. Fans and critics alike are left wondering: will this legal ‘case closed’ become the next big hit on an upcoming podcast, or will it simply be filed away, alongside other forgotten treasures in the hip-hop hall of near-misses? Only time will tell, but at least for now, it appears the tale of Jane Doe and the dynamic duo of Diddy and Jay-Z has officially reached its denouement.