In a move sure to have many shaking in their boots filled with greenhouse gases, The Federation of Ivory Tower Fat Cats (FITFC) announced their newest crusade, boldly stomping on the hopes and dreams of little fossil fuels everywhere. "No longer will coal, oil, and natural gas be exploited for the advancement and prosperity of humanity," cried Reginald Twiddlesticks III, FITFC's spokesperson and a world-renowned horse-drawn carriage enthusiast. "Our exorbitantly-priced monocles have finally beheld the folly of such endeavors." The FAT Cats, who live in literal ivory towers, argued that fossil fuels have had a monopoly on the world's energy and transportation supply for far too long. "Honestly, what did these dirty barbarians ever do for us?" asked Professor Ebenezer Dewberry, a tenured pontificator in armchair environmentalism. "I mean, besides creating jobs, powering our homes, and contributing to global economic growth." When confronted with these points, Twiddlesticks III offered the following rebuttal: "Well, I never! I didn't realize you'd stoop to blatant fact promotion. I must adjourn to my tower to clutch my pearls and decry any actual issues the lower classes may be experiencing due to fuel consumption." The Federation's bold maneuver includes drafting legislation to outlaw any mention of fossil fuels on certain days of the week, burning effigies of oil barrels, and adding solar panels to their already blindingly-white ivory towers. "We hope this makes a strong statement to the fossil fuel industry that their attempt to ensure energy security and affordability will no longer be tolerated," said Priscilla Featherbottom, a well-heeled FITFC member who insisted our reporter call her "Duchess of Subsidies." This harsh stance against the energy sector has demoralized even the tiniest and most insignificant of fossils. "We were just happy to have been formed millions of years ago in the perfect environmental conditions," sobbed one teardrop of crude oil squeezed out from a rock. But FITFC anticipates no sympathy for the downtrodden hydrocarbons. "The only redeeming feature of the sunshine-absorbing tyrants is the fact that they've been directly responsible for the well-being of millions of people across multiple industries," Featherbottom conceded, patting herself on the back for her generous statement. While the Ivory Tower Fat Cats admit they will not be changing their energy consumption habits, they expect the lower classes to rise magnanimously to the challenge of ending their use of fossil fuels. "A solar-powered world will be bright indeed," said Twiddlesticks III, adjusting his solar-paneled top hat. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go purchase carbon offsets for my private plane. Mother requests fresh flowers not tainted by the wretched miasma of coal."