In a completely unsurprising turn of events, the insurance industry has announced that policyholders can expect to pay more for significantly less coverage, all while the world continues its unrestrained march toward climate chaos. In a groundbreaking press release that seemed to echo the sentiments of a somber funeral director, insurers revealed their new pricing structure, which combines climate risk with the thrill of tariff turmoil. “We’ve reached a new pinnacle of capitalism,” declared the spokesperson for the National Association of Insurers, while sitting atop a throne made out of crushed claims forms and premium payments. “Why provide our customers with adequate coverage when we can raise the rates and provide them with the joy of panic? It’s like selling ice to an Eskimo but with way more paperwork!” Citing increasingly frequent natural disasters, like hurricanes that pick up speed faster than a kid on a sugar high, insurers are relying on the well-rehearsed excuse of “unprecedented risk” — which, coincidentally, has become the hottest buzzword since the pandemic’s “new normal.” Pronouncing boldly that they will now be charging "climate surcharge" fees on policies from automobile to home insurance, the industry is set to rake in profits as the sun scorches Earth and wildfires dance their cha-cha on the charred remains of what were once thriving forests. The new positioning is not without its finesse; policyholders can now opt-in for a “low-deductible disaster” plan, which claims to cover the remnants of your property post-apocalypse at a mere 80% discount on current rates. “It’s a deal!” the spokesperson affirmed. “What’s better than rebuilding your life with half the assistance and double the premiums? It’s practically a survival sport now!” Meanwhile, amid rising tariffs on imported goods and a worldwide supply chain crisis that has resulted in the scarcity of pretty much everything, people are encouraged to look forward to the new age of DIY repairs. “You can learn how to re-roof your house while under siege from hail the size of grapefruits!” exclaimed one ecstatic spokesperson. “Think of it as a bonding experience with your significant other; nothing brings couples closer than attempting to salvage a home that the winds decided to turn into a modern art installation!” Public reaction has been predictably mixed. Many are taking to social media to express their outrage, while others are astounded by the sheer audacity of it all. “I used to think my biggest worry was losing my job, but now I’m more scared of losing my roof—thanks, insurance industry!” tweeted one particularly inspired citizen, shortly before their smartphone vaporized in a spontaneous heatwave. As the insurance market shifts into this brave new world of charging you more for less and more attenuation of responsibility, experts predict that future policies will be designed around monthly installments for “emotional trauma” caused by climate disasters. After all, it’s not just your house that gets wiped out; your peace of mind deserves a premium price tag too! So folks, get ready to embrace the wild, climate-chaotic, tariff-tormented future with open wallets and closed windows. Because if you thought your premium was high now, just wait until the next fire tornado rolls through your neighborhood. Welcome to the future of insurance, where you definitely get what you don’t pay for.