NEW YORK -- In a chilling milestone, the Identity Theft Olympics and Thief-a-thons across America reportedly managed to open more accounts in unsuspecting victims' names faster than anyone could say 'natural disaster'. In 2022, the Grand Federal Trade Commission reported that over 1.1 million innocent souls unceremoniously found themselves part of this unwanted record setting. This 'game', as identity thieves prefer to call it, is becoming America's favorite pastime surpassing baseball and, surprisingly, Netflix binging. "These guys are getting more skilled at one-upping us," sighed Colleen Tressler, a decorated senior project manager for the FTC who has been chasing these invisible deviants in the cyber jungle for over three decades. "They watch for events like major hurricanes, tsunamis, pandemics and the Kardashians’ wardrobe malfunctions. Anything that distracts the public really. Meanwhile, they are busy swiping your information faster than a raccoon dips into a trash can," she added. The rise of identity theft has prompted the FTC to consider extreme measures including a potential ban on natural disasters, claiming they provide too good of a distraction for these cyber scavengers. However, Mother Nature has yet to comment on this proposal. One audacious identity thief, who wishes to remain anonymous for 'obvious reasons', confessed during an encrypted interview that they find the thrill in the chase. "There are no better kicks than opening a fake account in someone's name faster than they can say 'natural disaster'," said the anonymous identity pirate, chuckling at their own dark humor. The ground-breaking villain went on to wildly claim, "It's not about the money. It’s about sending a message". Codenamed 'Robin Hood of Cyberworld’ by the internet, this white-collar miscreant then advised that not all hope is lost for the regular Joes and Janes. "Yeah, the best defense against this whole fiasco is monitoring your accounts regularly. It's honestly as simple as that." Secret Robin ended on a mysterious note, leaving us with, "Also know this: The quieter you become, the more you can hear." So, there we have it, folks. Identity theft might be blowing up bigger than the latest Marvel blockbuster, but diligence, regular credit checks, and minding our own digital business might just turn the tide. After all, if even the 'Robin Hood of Cyberworld' is pointing out your defensive lapses, you might just want to take heed. And remember, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you. Be vigilant, America!