In a bold move that’s sure to revolutionize workplace communications, a new company seminar titled “How to Pretend You’re Listening: A Masterclass in Employee Consultations” has launched this week, claiming to increase employee morale and productivity while simultaneously saving managers from having to actually pay attention. The seminar's creator, self-proclaimed consultant and part-time magician, Barry “The Disappearing Act” Johnson, promises attendees that they'll soon master the art of nodding without engaging any brain cells. “Forget about genuine interest; it’s all about the technique,” Barry explained to a crowd of skeptical managerial types, who were eager for tips that wouldn’t require too much thought. “With just a few simple tricks, you’ll be a champion at looking like you care while your mind wanders to last night’s episode of ‘Dancing with the Stars.’” Participants of the workshop were first introduced to the all-important skills of the “Nod-and-Smile Technique,” in which attendees learn to look intrigued while actually thinking about what to have for lunch. “You want to make sure your head moves up and down in a rhythmic motion. Add a few ‘oh-huhs’ and ‘interesting’ comments, and you’ll be a master of employee engagement without having to know what the actual issue is,” Barry advised, gesturing dramatically with a sandwich that he had been eyeing all evening. Another highlight of the workshop was a section on “Visual Engagement,” where managers learned to utilize their smartphones while employees speak, without appearing overtly disrespectful. “Shuffling between work emails and Twitter updates will lend you an air of professional multitasking,” Barry instructed, before demonstrating the art of making eye contact with one eye while scrolling with the other. The audience erupted into laughter when Barry revealed that the real secret is to occasionally look up with a confused brow and nod vigorously, as if struggling to keep up with the complex details of an employee’s weekend plans. As part of the training, managers were also given handy cheat sheets featuring common buzzwords and phrases to sprinkle throughout their faux-engaged dialogues. “That sounds like an interesting challenge! Let’s circle back on that,” was a fan favorite, particularly since it allows managers to dodge actual responsibility while completely averting any meaningful conversation. Testimonials from early participants of the course suggest a marked improvement in their ability to create the illusion of involvement without the actual effort. “I used to feel so guilty ignoring my team during meetings,” confessed one manager, who insisted on remaining anonymous to protect her newfound “listening” technique. “Now, I can just focus on my Pinterest boards for office decoration and still make it look like I’m eager to solve their problems! It’s truly liberating!” The seminar also offers a specially crafted follow-up session called “How to Politely Dismiss Concerns with Jargon,” where managers can learn to expertly sidestep discomforting topics by drowning employees in corporate lingo like “optimal synergies” and “paradigm shifts.” Barry even hints at a future module titled “The Art of the Well-Actualized Excuse,” focusing on constructing an airtight alibi for never actually implementing any employee feedback. As the seminar draws increased interest from companies seeking revolutionary management techniques, it is safe to say that a new era of conversational skills is upon us; one where listening is an art, but genuine engagement, well, that’s just so last season. If you're looking for a way to avoid workplace conflict while enjoying that endless scroll through social media, this masterclass is definitely for you!