In a remarkable display of collective indifference, world leaders gathered for the inaugural "International Symposium on Cooperation in an Age of Division" held in a luxurious conference center clearly designed to emphasize their separation from the average citizen. Amidst extravagant buffets featuring delicacies flown in from around the globe, delegates fervently discussed how to ignore pressing issues while sipping on ethically sourced, organic lattes. The event kicked off with a rousing keynote speech from the newly elected President of Conflict Avoidance, who proclaimed, “We may be divided, but at least we’re unified in our inability to communicate!” The audience erupted in polite applause, briefly halting their social media scrolling to affirm the essentiality of virtue signaling during strategic moments. Discussion panels included such enlightening topics as “The Art of Pretending to Listen” and “How to Nod Your Head While Fully Ignoring the Evidence.” Instead of actionable plans, attendees were treated to a masterclass on the importance of appearances, with one expert lamenting, “Why solve problems when we can just post inspirational quotes on Twitter?” Not to be outdone, activists staged a protest outside the venue, declaring, “Unity is a Myth!” while waving signs fashioned from recycled cardboard. Their presence, unfortunately, went unnoticed due to the impeccable soundproofing of the conference hall. Further attempts to breach the debates with hashtags like #TogetherAlone and #SolidarityIsntFree were swiftly discredited by the organizers as “too disruptive.” In a surprising twist, the organizing committee announced a partnership with a major beverage company to produce a limited-edition line of drinks named “Hopeful H2O” and “Bitterly Divided Brew.” Each bottle would come with a QR code linking to a blank document titled “Our Shared Goals.” “This is what we mean by ‘sustainable collaboration,’” said the marketing executive, who was reportedly still trying to find a way to make it all profitable a week after the event. As the symposium fumbled toward its conclusion, discussions morphed into fanciful suggestions like “Let’s treat our differences like a buffet—pick what you like and ignore the rest!” An enthusiastic delegate from the country of Miscommunication endorsed this plan, stating, “We can all sit around the table and eat pie while refusing to share our recipes! It’s multiculturalism at its finest!” By the end of the event, participants left with nothing more than badges reading “Together Apart,” a deluge of new email subscriptions, and a profound sense of achievement for having accomplished absolutely nothing while congratulating themselves for their commitment to unity. As attendees dispersed to their respective corners of the world, journalists expressed disappointment when the promised press conference was canceled. Instead, officials sent out a collective statement, declaring, “In the spirit of constructive dialogue, we will not talk about the challenges ahead until we all agree on the definition of ‘dialogue.’” The world can rest easy knowing that hope is alive and well—at least in symposium brochures and executive meeting minutes. As democracy experts predicted, “If working together doesn’t save us, at least we’ll have some fantastic event footage for the future.” The irony, it seems, will always be the star of the show.