In a bold move that’s both inspiring and utterly predictable, Hawaii has announced its ambitious new plan to take on Big Oil in what can only be described as a climate showdown for the ages. This comes hot on the heels of the Trump Administration’s stellar performance in shielding the fossil fuel industry from any real consequences, which can only be labeled an Olympic-level achievement in bureaucratic gymnastics. The state, known for its picturesque beaches and relentless pursuit of sunbathers, has decided that enough is enough. As oil spills continue to mess with their pristine landscapes, officials in Hawaii are ready to stand up to the goliath of Big Oil with all the fervor of a surfer chasing the last wave of the day. “We’ve had enough of watching profits float by like discarded plastic bottles,” one official announced, as he stood on a beach littered with the remnants of the very industry they were about to take down, or at least attempt to. Hawaii's bold plan includes a series of groundbreaking initiatives: mandatory sunscreen-free zones, mandatory lei-wearing for all oil executives, and an innovative new tax on the various forms of hot air spouted by lobbyists. “This is a statement. If they want to continue polluting our land, we’ll ensure their beach parties are ruined by our very own ‘Climatic Party Crashers’ — our new team of environmental activists who specialize in interrupting corporate events,” said a visibly sunburned spokesperson. In a twist that could only be described as theatrically delicious, Hawaii is also implementing a new policy where every gallon of gasoline sold must come with a complimentary hula dance lesson on how to effectively deal with rising sea levels. “We’re all about adaptability,” said the official with a knowing wink. “If we’re going to go down, we might as well go down dancing.” Critics, of course, are quick to point out the futility of this noble struggle against a multi-billion-dollar industry that has successfully weathered much stormier political seas, including a previous four-year reign of deregulation and chaos. “What Hawaii is doing is admirable,” noted one anonymous oil executive who was busy lobbying in a resort halfway across the globe. “But they might as well be trying to stop a tsunami with a beach umbrella.” For its part, Big Oil is reportedly shaking in its boots, calculating how many islands they’ll need to buy to counteract Hawaii’s brave stand. They’ve even gone so far as to launch a brand-new PR campaign titled “We’re not all that bad!” which features happy families grilling under the shadow of oil rigs, all while barbecue smoke mingles deliciously with the increasingly thick, dark air. As used-car salesmen everywhere salute Hawaii for its fervor, other states are already frantically scribbling down plans to create their own climate initiatives, mostly in the hopes of securing their very own Instagram filter-worthy photo ops. “We’re just waiting for someone else to take the lead first,” said a governor from a non-descript state. “We wouldn’t want to ruin our immaculate reputation of doing absolutely nothing for the environment.” With a mix of optimism and cynicism, residents all around Hawaii brace themselves for the inevitable. At the very least, they’ll escape the impending climate catastrophe with a few good stories to tell their grandchildren — who will surely be living in coral reef-themed bubble cities by that time. And who knows? Perhaps one day, they might even win the battle against Big Oil, armed with nothing more than determination, a surfboard, and the collective hope of oceans everywhere.