HAVANA, CUBA – In an astonishing twist that nobody saw coming, tourists visiting Cuba’s capital have unanimously declared that the rum is tastier than the cigars, much to the surprise of local authorities who have spent decades perfecting the art of creating a truly mediocre smoking experience. The much-anticipated “Havana Good Time” tourism campaign kicked off this week, featuring a series of exciting events, from salsa dancing lessons to "How to Survive Your First Coco Taxi Ride." Attendees were also treated to a city-wide scavenger hunt dedicated to finding the best mojitos — because clearly, alcohol should be the prime reason to visit a country with an immense history, vibrant culture, and questionable Wi-Fi. In a demonstration of pure Cuban spirit, tourists flocked to artisanal cigar shops, only to be left stunned when shop owners revealed that what tourists really wanted was expert instruction on crafting the perfect daiquiri. “Who needs a good cigar when you can watch me juggle limes?” grinned local bartender and part-time magician, El Chino, as enthusiastic tourists waved their phones, frantically trying to capture the performance for Instagram. Meanwhile, during a much-heralded cigar rolling workshop, attendees were found to be more invested in balancing their mojitos atop their heads than on acquiring the nuanced skill of rolling a Cohiba. Olga, a local expert in cigar rolling, was often interrupted by visitors asking, “So, like, is this a cocktail lounge?” A bemused Olga wrapped a cigar in rubber bands instead; it seemed to be a fitting metaphor for the day. “Cuba’s charm lies in its contradictions,” declared the tourism board's unofficial spokesperson, Juan “El Gato” Perez, who also moonlights as a sourcing agent for all things rum. “We’re a country known for its cigars, but let’s be honest, they’re basically just really expensive sticks that asphyxiate you in a smoke-filled room. Who actually smokes those? Our festivals are now all about booze, baby!” Visitors also had the opportunity to tour the iconic Malecón, where the waves crash not just against the rocks but also against the dreams of those who hoped to actually remember their trip. “We thought we’d come for culture,” lamented a dazed tourist, “but we’re leaving with a refreshing perspective on the ‘hangover experience.’” With glowing reviews of the waterfront’s “void of logic,” future tourists have already begun planning their post-Cuba vacations by selecting their favorite “Why Did I Even Come Here?” t-shirts. The campaign received overwhelming support from the U.S. tourism sector, which excitedly noted that Americans can now indulge in an authentic Cuban vacation without the pesky inconvenience of actually, you know, relaxing. “Why sleep in when you can sip rum and wonder where you left your wallet?” proclaimed one stateside travel agent through a blend of laughter and tears as he coaxed more unsuspecting souls to book now. As Havana Good Time continues to roll out its series of attractions fitting for anyone with a pulse and access to social media, locals and entrepreneurs rejoice at the unprecedented demand for all things refreshing, intoxicating, and devoid of any coherent historical contextualization. The only question left is: will tourists find more fun awaiting them in the next cocktail or waiting for the next chance to cough up a cigar? It's a tough call, but more rum never hurt anyone… unless, of course, you happen to be in Cuba trying to communicate with the locals about your burning passion for well-executed smoke rings.