In a shocking revelation that has sent shockwaves through the green community and beyond, environmental experts have confirmed what we’ve long suspected: your love for the holiday season is directly responsible for the impending apocalypse. Yes, folks, it's time to set down those eco-friendly gift wraps and charcoal socks and face the hard truth—your holiday shopping habits are single-handedly melting the polar ice caps while simultaneously putting baby turtles into therapy. This recent study, conducted by the Institute of Guilt-Inducing Studies (IGIS), shows that holiday shopping produces more carbon emissions than a small country’s worth of SUVs racing each other in a demolition derby. But don’t worry, because the researchers were considerate enough to include a disclaimer: "If you're feeling overwhelmed by this guilt, just remember—nothing says 'I care' like a plastic toy wrapped in ten layers of glittery paper that won’t decompose until the next Ice Age." Experts at IGIS recommend a multi-pronged approach to tackle this instead of simply refraining from shopping altogether—a concept that is absolutely ludicrous. They suggest a series of increasingly ridiculous alternatives, like forgoing presents and opting instead for heartfelt notes that openly acknowledge your family members are unworthy of gifts. Meanwhile, you can celebrate the tragic irony of skipping out on festive cheer while still boosting your social media credibility with #EcoWarrior posts. The holiday gift-giving trend is particularly palpable in America, where consumers are expected to blow an eye-watering $800 billion this year alone on gifts. Let’s break this down: $800 billion is approximately the GDP of a small nation, all spent in a frenzied attempt to surprise Aunt Gertrude—a woman who likely has everything she could possibly want, including seven “World’s Best Aunt” mugs. But fear not; Aunt Gertrude will now have a lovely assortment of eco-unfriendly bath bombs and happy-dismay textiles to take to the landfill. Meanwhile, local thrift stores are reportedly crying in disbelief as they witness a surge of return items after Christmas that were joyfully unwrapped amidst the tinsel chaos. It's a veritable holiday miracle! The trend of returning gifts feeds a hefty cycle of fresh waste once a bright-eyed believer wakes from their post-holiday slumber to realize that replacing grandma's collects of cat-shaped ceramic figurines with five brightly colored scarves doesn’t quite fulfill the “thoughtful” gift promise. In a particularly bold move to combat this impending doom, many environmental activists are now calling for a “National Anti-Gifting Day.” Instead of exchanging presents, they propose a day where everyone gathers around in a circle, pulls out their phones, and scrolls through social media to see how much they don’t care about each other’s lives. Participants could collectively lament their consumer guilt while irritating the planet at the same time, because nothing soothes the conscience quite like passive-aggressive group therapy sessions. Companies are jumping on the bandwagon too! “Eco-Friendly Gift Options” are trending, which cleverly bundles your guilt into overpriced items that still have a footprint the size of Bigfoot. “These hand-knitted sweaters made from 100% recycled rainwater will keep your conscience warm without contributing to the seven hurricanes you’ve caused this month,” claims one overzealous ad, blissfully ignoring that it can’t be sent via drone without a single “Are you kidding me?” glance in its direction. As we cheerfully trudge our way through the holiday season, let’s remember that our collective holiday purchases will only amplify the guilt we all deserve to feel. So this year, brighten someone’s day with the selfless gift of guilt—the only gift that will last long after the tinsel has turned brown!