In a heartwarming display of unbridled optimism, the nation is collectively holding its breath as it attempts to navigate the dark, carbon-intensive wave of doom that looms over its eco-ambitions. With the return of the "Green House of Horrors," citizens have been joyfully reminded that the fight for an eco-friendly future is not just uphill; it's a rollercoaster ride through a landfill. Local climate activists, decked out in their finest hemp-and-sustainable-saree outfits, gathered this week at the foot of the newly proposed Trump Tower: Carbon Edition—a shiny new skyscraper that will feature luxurious penthouses painted with eco-friendly coal dust. Environmentalists expressed their appreciation for the aesthetics of the building, particularly its unique ability to flawlessly reflect the wrath of climate change right back at nature. During the groundbreaking ceremony, former President Trump proudly proclaimed, "Who needs wind turbines when you have wind in your hair?" as he introduced the latest in fossil fuel technology: a vintage oil rig that some deemed a “contemporary art installation.” However, the giant animatronic eagle atop the structure, which flaps its wings while spewing confetti, has raised eyebrows among critics; they argued that it lacked the essential charm of a seized oil field. In a stunning turn of irony, Trump’s campaign to “Make America Green Again” has paved the way for a new industry: eco-fossil fuels. "We’re proposing to harness that old-school feeling," he informed a captivated crowd, as his administration prepared to export ancient coal as ‘artisanal nuggets’ with a side of handcrafted smog. News outlets reported an increase in interest from hipsters eager to buy into the nostalgia of dandelions choking on soot. Meanwhile, Washington has seen a whirlwind of legislative activity, with record numbers of bills introduced that ardently oppose renewable energy initiatives. Speaking on behalf of the bipartisan effort to redefine "renewable" as anything "un-renewable" but, “in good spirits,” Congressman Greenberg (R) expressed, “Why use solar panels when we can create jobs for coal miners? The more we dig, the better we feel—just like exercise!" In a fit of corporate competitiveness, oil giants announced a new partnership with fashion brands, launching the "Plastic Chic" line—an eco-friendly collection made entirely from repurposed oil rigs and plastic straws. Consumers excitedly lined up outside stores, eager to don “the look of the future” while comfortably snubbing the existence of basic recycling initiatives. Critics have been quick to point out that everyone was simply being too negative. "Can’t you see the glass half-full of crude oil?" shouted one enthusiastic supporter through a promotional fog made from highway emissions. Local schools have even begun teaching children about these innovations in "Green-Goes-Blue" math, where subtracting progress from profit equates to simple environmental solutions. As all eyes remain fixed on the looming shadow of the Trump's environmental policies, citizens are left to wonder where their eco-dreams have gone. Sure, the planet may be turning into a furnace of dismay, but hey, at least it’s a nice place to whip up a gourmet meal on those newly discovered carbon grills! And so, in the true spirit of dystopian optimism, America plunges headfirst into the eco-future—one coal nugget at a time, with a side of irony and a heaping helping of delightful ignorance. As the old saying goes, if you can't beat 'em, smother 'em in sweet crude and watch them glide right into oblivion.