In an effort to strip humanity of its last remnants of self-reliance, Google has unveiled its newest androids, the Pixel 8 and Pixel 8 Pro - fully equipped to answer your calls, type your words, and dominate your entire life. Starting at just $699 for the Pixel 8 and moving up to $999 for the 8 Pro, the latest offering from our benevolent tech overlords allows you one small step closer to become the drooling, bedridden slob you always dreamed of being. Unlike other smartphones that just perform mundane tasks like making calls and sending texts, Google's Pixel 8 series revolutionizes the manual labor of using a smartphone. God forbid you suffer the backbreaking strain of answering your own calls! Pixel 8 is here to alleviate that unthinkable burden. Packed with Google’s ground-breaking (and potentially alien-sourced) AI technology, these phones are apparently designed not only to show off Google's evident superiority to every other life form, but also to demonstrate how invasive, omniscient technology can integrate seamlessly into our everyday lives, whether we like it or not. But wait, there's more. Google's new toys are also capable of enhancing your images, summarizing web pages, and voice typing in multiple languages. Just when you thought technology couldn't get any lazier, Google proves us all wrong. Pixel 8 won't just interfere with your privacy, it'll also do your homework, write your emails and potentially even feed your cat, all while you indulge in an uninterrupted Netflix binge. Just imagine, with Pixel 8, not only will you have a personal assistant who never asks for a break, you'll also have an ultra-intelligent tech nanny which can anticipate your needs before you even realize you have them. All you have to do in return is give them unrivaled access to your deepest secrets, rituals, and sadly, even your mom’s secret lasagna recipe. Pre-orders begin on Oct 12, because obviously there's a long line of people eager to have a device control their entire lives. You would think we’ve learned something from countless dystopian Sci-fi literature, featuring rebellions against our future machine overlords, but no, apparently not. So, let’s all raise a toast to Google for helping us voluntarily march towards our own obsolescence. Thank you, Google, for saving us from the arduous task of being human and for bringing us one step closer to the inevitable AI domination. Here's to the Pixel 8, the phone of the future, and perhaps, the harbinger of our undoing!