In a breathtaking display of apathy, meteorologists have officially announced that cool cover is waving goodbye, while heat records soar to unprecedented levels, threatening to melt the very fabric of life as we know it. Yes, folks, the low clouds that once gave us a taste of temperance are now just a foggy memory, drifting away as if they’ve got better things to do than provide shade to hot, thirsty bipeds. “We didn’t ask for this,” said Nimbus, a representative of the recently departed cloud community, who was too bogged down in existential dread to offer sunlight on any solutions. “We’ve offered our fluffy, cool embrace for centuries, and how did humanity repay us? By cranking up the air conditioning and gleefully annihilating our habitat with pollution.” As temperatures rise and the public's patience dissipates, a self-proclaimed climate enthusiast, or perhaps a masochist, remarked, “I mean, I love sweating through my clothes while enduring the gentle caress of a sunburn. It builds character!” His thermoregulated bravery has inspired many to embrace the new normal of forced sauna experiences while hoarding hand-held fans like they’re the latest iPhone drops. In stark contrast, local politicians are advocating for “more sunshine,” declaring it the ultimate economic stimulus plan. “What do you mean ‘more heat records’ is a bad thing?” rebuffed a city councilor at a recent press conference that was reported as more comical than informative. “This is an opportunity! We can host solar-themed festivals where everyone can sweat it out, and it’ll be highly Instagrammable!” Meanwhile, desperate citizens have taken matters into their hands, collectively branding themselves the “Cool Kids.” This grassroots movement is armed with kiddie pools filled with lukewarm water, conspiracy theories about geoengineering, and an insatiable desire to overthrow the oppressive reign of rising temperatures. “If we can’t have clouds, we’ll make our own!” they declared as they filled the local park with inflatable water slides, all while neglecting to recycle the plastic wrappers from their frozen treats—a symbol of their rebellion against society’s marketing of “eco-friendly” options. In an unprecedented turn, the “Cool Kids” are targeting local convenience stores, demanding the return of the beloved Slushie before they melt away along with their sanity. “The pursuit of icy beverages is a right!” one enthusiast yelled, firmly clutching a spoon like it’s a sword of justice. “If they can’t deliver on low clouds, then we’ll take the frozen flavor revolt nationally.” As the sun blazes mercilessly overhead, experts predict we are officially in an era where sultry days become the norm. “Expect more record heat, more perspiration, and less common sense,” quipped a scientist who studies weather patterns while sipping a cold beverage in an air-conditioned office. In the meantime, reflective clouds will conform to their new fate as mere remnants of a time when people cared enough to wear sunscreen and enjoy leisurely strolls without risk of heat stroke. Their farewell statement simply read: “Thanks for nothing, humanity. Enjoy the roast!” In closing, the only remaining question is: can someone at least pass the sunscreen before the clouds make their final exit?