In a groundbreaking revelation that has left the medical community and the general public gasping for breath (and not just from the air conditioning, which is always set to "Arctic"), Miami's most "exclusive" hospital—The Elite Health Spa & Recovery Retreat—has opened its doors to the general public. Dubbed the swankiest place for your ailments, it's where the IV drips come complete with organic, gluten-free drip bags and complimentary massages from licensed therapists who also just so happen to be influencers on social media. Patients are greeted at the entrance by a concierge wearing a white lab coat with a designer label—the only medical diploma this establishment recognizes is one from the equally exclusive "School of Instagram." The hospital promises a “healing” experience that rivals the latest luxury hotel, minus the joy of having a 24-hour mini-bar (but you’ll definitely have all the kale smoothies you could possibly desire!). "We wanted to provide a hospital experience that felt less like a sterile environment and more like walking into a five-star resort where you may or may not have caught COVID last season," announced Chief Marketing Officer, Dr. O. H. My, who has a PhD in 'Grievously Good Brand Management.' “When our patients are not busy recovering from whatever malady has befallen them, they can sip on artisanal coconut water while lounging by our in-house jade fountain.” Patients at The Elite Health Spa are treated to extensive and highly individualized service plans. Instead of the conventional patient-physician relationship, they now enjoy a ‘wellness partnership’ where every sniffle is treated like a Yelp review. “I felt like a five-star establishment wanted to impress me,” said one recovering heart patient who requested gluten-free chia pudding after a triple bypass. “Honestly, the only thing I missed was the stereotypical hospital food that tastes like cardboard and despair.” While traditional hospitals may have a sign-in system that requires you to wait in line for hours, at The Elite, you can simply text your concierge with emoticons to describe your symptoms. Feeling ‘sad face’ about your flu? They’ll send a nurse who specializes in aromatherapy to enter with essential oils while loud ‘healing music’—which, curiously enough, seems to be instrumental versions of today's hottest pop hits—plays softly in the background, fully facilitating your “zen.” And don't forget the packages! For a nominal fee, patients can select from an array of VIP treatment tiers, such as the “Gold Package” that includes complimentary Instagram photoshoots during your surgery. The “Platinum Package” features a dedicated social media manager to ensure your health journey gets the right hashtag exposure. While some skeptics have raised eyebrows over the hospital's decidedly unorthodox approach, the administration has reassured everyone that they passed a rigorous test—sort of. “We included ‘band-aids and spa robes’ on our application form to the city,” said Dr. Oh My. “As long as we’re not caught offering surgical procedures in our sauna room, we’re in the clear!” For now, The Elite Health Spa & Recovery Retreat plans to capitalize on their success by opening up additional branches in other cities. Sources say they are eyeing locations in Malibu and the Hamptons, because why shouldn't the elite recover in as much style and luxury as they live in? So if you’re feeling under the weather and looking for a quick getaway from the mundane, Miami's newest hospital is ready to pamper you for a prescription cost, of course—with a hefty service charge included for all those magical kale smoothies and soothing rock massagers too. Hurry, because at The Elite, wellness is just a BRB text away!