In an utterly predictable twist of fate, the Los Angeles Galaxy have once again hoisted the MLS Cup, proving they are the overachievers of Major League Soccer. As they comfortably defeated the New York Red Bulls 2-1 in what can only be described as a tragedy for anyone holding on to the flickering hope of a Red Bulls victory, we sit here questioning why we even bother pretending that this league has balance. The climax of the event unfolded at the sell-out Dignity Health Sports Park, which, let's be honest, would have been just as thrilling had it been a gathering of local cats competing in a nap-off. With the kind of enthusiasm typically reserved for someone discovering an extra fry at the bottom of the bag, the Galaxy fans watched as winger Joseph Paintsil scored the opener in the ninth minute, marking the beginning of a long, excruciating evening for Red Bulls fans who were still holding out for that “magic moment.” Barely five minutes later, their despair deepened as striker Dejan Joveljić successfully navigated an obstacle course of half-hearted attempts at defending and could be seen slipping the ball past the Red Bulls' goalkeeper, who, one must assume, was secretly wishing he could be excused for a bathroom break. One might even argue that Joveljić's goal should come with an “abracadabra” sound effect to emphasize the illusion of suspense that was clearly absent from the match. Meanwhile, the Red Bulls, who had gathered in hopes of finally breaking their own curse of an MLS Cup-less existence, did what they do best: they put on one of the league's most impressive showcases of subpar soccer. As fans clutched their foam fingers with a mix of hope and denial, they watched their team attempt what can only be described as some sort of interpretive dance rather than a coordinated effort to score. In a show of defiance against the logic of sports, the Red Bulls managed to score a consolation goal late in the second half, allowing their fans to briefly believe they were still in the game. But let’s not kid ourselves; it was akin to hanging a participation trophy in a room full of championship banners. Post-game, interviews revealed Red Bulls players wandering around Dignity Health Sports Park looking like lost children in a supermarket, trying desperately to make sense of their choices. “I thought we were going to win... it’s 2023!” lamented one disappointed player, clutching a half-eaten hot dog as if it were the last vestige of hope. Other players were reportedly seen furiously googling “how to break a curse” and discussing their options on a “reality show redemption arc.” As the Galaxy celebrated yet another impossible feat, one couldn't help but appreciate the irony—the club that’s become synonymous with triumph had effectively turned the MLS into their own little playground while the Red Bulls cast a long shadow full of “what-ifs.” Yes, the Galaxy might have the trophies, but the Red Bulls? Well, they have a loyal fan base, a good sense of humor, and a collection of “Almost Champions” T-shirts that are gathering dust in the back of their closets. So here’s to another year of Galaxy overachievement and Red Bulls disappointment—may we all circle back for accountability come next season.