Fossil fuel giants around the world have been in a state of gleeful celebration after a new study revealed they owe $209bn in climate damages. In what could only be described as a deep sigh of relief, polluters everywhere are pleased to learn the price tag on decades of causing ecological devastation is but a fraction of their annual profits. Phew! That was a close one. "I'm so relieved," said one anonymous CEO, wiping his perspiring brow with a crisp hundred-dollar bill. "That means we can easily pay it off, carry on business as usual, and then blame individuals for not recycling properly. How embarrassing would it have been if the cost had been significantly more than our humble profits?" These oil giants are surely hearing the kaching sound as they throw metaphorical pennies at this newly-formed bill. It's time to pack it in, folks – the world's climate crisis has been solved! Now all that's left to do is sit back and watch as our planet remains exactly the same for eternity. Rejoice! The environmental groups and their allies have slammed the comparatively low cost of the damages, accusing the big bad corporations of brainwashing everyone into thinking this is a reasonable sum to pay. They've even suggested that the study, funded by those very polluters, might not be the most impartial piece of research in existence. Good heavens – who would have thought? You'd think those shrill-voiced, placard-waving activists would be at least somewhat content with this outcome, if not thrilled. But of course, their appetite for more drastic action will never be satisfied. After all, why worry about the ocean flooding over our cities if the economy is booming, am I right? They clearly have all their doomsday priorities mixed up! "It's not like we can turn back time," commented Frank Oiltanker, a representative of the oil industry's PR machine. He added that all we can do is continue to drill and belch black smoke by creating a vague plan to reduce emissions. "Let's let bygones be bygones," he said, while shaking a canister of crude oil like a celebratory maraca. So rest easy, good people of the world. It seems as though our planet's fate can be determined by an invoice, a stable financial market, some basic public shaming tactics, and the pretense of holding the biggest polluters accountable. Hacks, scientists, and activists around the world can pack up their tents, sell their bikes, and toss their reusable grocery bags. The bill's been footed – the climate crisis is over! Turn your attention to mainstream media to learn how destroying the Earth can be avoided by changing your brand of toilet paper, eating carrots, or other such amusing strategies – leaving the hefty, all-powerful corporations to continue business as usual. After all, they've paid their $209bn – what more could we really expect from them?