Forget the Olympic Dream Team; the U.S. Ski Team is rolling deep into the upcoming Winter Olympics with a veritable army of medalists! That’s right, folks, it’s no longer just a two-woman show starring skiing superstars Mikaela Shiffrin and Lindsey Vonn. While those two become household names, the rest of the team has been secretly training in a secluded mountain hideout, honing their skills for the ultimate alpine showdown. Sources reveal that the team has recruited ex-Navy SEALs, former stunt doubles from action movies, and even a few Olympic snowboarders who’ve taken a liking to downhill skiing — because why not? The U.S. Ski Team has successfully crafted an elite unit of medal contenders that would make the Avengers jealous. In a surprising twist, the latest rumors suggest that the team’s latest recruit, “Big Mountain” Mike, was spotted practicing ski jumps while juggling flaming swords. When asked about his unusual training, Big Mountain said, “If I can dodge these, I can certainly dodge a competitor on the slope!” Meanwhile, the team’s nutritionist has been serving up organic kale smoothies and power bars infused with… well, whatever gives you an edge. All this fuel is apparently perfect for skiing — or so we’re told. As for the competition? The rest of the ski world better watch out! During a recent training session, the U.S. team was reportedly so fast that they accidentally bypassed the finish line and ended up in the next town over. Local residents claimed to have witnessed a blur of colors whizzing by, later discovering a trio of U.S. medalists celebrating their “preemptive victory” at the local café. But the best part? While Shiffrin and Vonn soak up the spotlight, the rest of the team has mastered the art of self-promotion. In a move unsurpassed in sports marketing, the other competitors have created a TikTok account where they showcase their aerial tricks, interpretive dance moves, and gourmet snowboarding recipes. Expect to see #SkiingIsLife trending during the Olympics! So, as we sit on the edge of our seats awaiting the opening ceremony, it’s clear that the U.S. Ski Team is ready to redefine winter sports. If they can just keep their skiing outfits from blending into the snow, we might just have a full-blown podium party on our hands. The rest of the world may have their giants, but we’ve got an army of medaling misfits ready to take them down, one kale smoothie at a time!