North Port, Florida - In what can only be described as a "crime" worthy of a Floridian's fuzziest friends, an attempted burglary at a local Pub N' Grub was foiled yesterday by a group of inquisitive raccoons, who apparently took offense to the intruder disturbing their nocturnal frolics in the dumpsters. Emergency services received a series of persistent but confusing calls around midnight from the perpetrator, who has since been identified as one Buster "The Bruiser" McRackin, formerly of Sarasota, Florida. The calls were a mix of anxious gibbering about "sharp-toothed trash pandas" and renditions of some distressingly poignant blues ballads. Despite the difficulty in decrypting the ramblings, a team was dispatched to investigate further, suspecting there might be a middle-aged man in crisis. Moreover, North Port's 911 call center has long known the tedium of subtropical Saturday nights would occasionally serve a comforting dose of unexpected amusement. Upon arrival, officers cautiously entered the premises, whose neon signage flickered in the hazy Floridian midnight air, only to find McRackin trembling atop the bar, his hands clinging to the beer taps like a drowning man to a life raft. Surrounding him were a gang of raccoons, their once innocent eyes gleaming menacingly in the dim light, their bushy tails proudly flicking dust off the sticky floor. It turns out that McRackin, a small-time crook with dreams of grand larceny, had chosen the wrong location for his first major score. The local raccoon community had regarded the Pub N' Grub's dumpsters as their sacred nightly buffet, savoring the half-eaten buffalo wings and soggy fries of reveling patrons. In disturbing this hallowed space, McRackin unleashed the ire of these usually amicable nocturnal critters, which proceeded to corner him inside the establishment. While the raccoons appeared fierce, bravado only gets one so far, and their resolve crumbled when faced with an angry female bartender brandishing a broom like the wrath of an avenging angel. With their nemesis scurrying back to the dumpsters, McRackin was arrested and charged with attempted burglary, loitering, and, according to one officer on the scene, "impressively butchered karaoke." When asked for comment, the Pub N' Grub's proprietor, Randy "The Randy" Rhoades, had little to add on the situation. "Heck, we're thinking about switching out our security system for a pack of these fuzzballs. Safer than a snarling dog, but they let you know they don't play," he mused. McRackin is currently awaiting trial, but it seems he may be presented with some unexpected character witnesses – a group of ashen-faced raccoons who, thanks to the Pub N' Grub's all-you-can-eat Taco Tuesdays, are nursing bitter indigestion.