In a thrilling odyssey of hot air and cold truths, Florida’s Senate candidates have taken to the airwaves to engage in what can only be described as “The Great Climate Debate of 2023.” This spectacle features two candidates, one draped in a parka and the other in flip-flops, passionately arguing over whether sea levels should be viewed as an alarming trend or merely “a new beach feature.” As the debate heated up — much like the planet, ironically — candidate A insisted that climate change was a hoax invented by the ice cream industry to sell more “frozen treats” during heatwaves. “If ice cream can remain a viable product during summer, then how serious could our changing climate really be?” they declared, proudly brandishing a melting cone as their argument’s centerpiece. Meanwhile, candidate B, clutching a solar panel like it was the Holy Grail, professed that the solution to Florida's climate woes was as simple as converting every beach into an urban solar farm. “Imagine sunbathing while charging your electric vehicles!” they shouted, with the clear misunderstanding that sand and solar panels do not mix, just like their logic and facts. The audience, consisting mainly of confused alligators and sunburned tourists, was treated to a rousing game of “pin the fault on the fossil fuels.” Each candidate took turns portraying the other as the champion of big oil, while simultaneously failing to acknowledge their own donors’ toxic contributions. It was a masterclass in double standards, complete with enthusiastic applause from their respective fanbases, who seemed more interested in Instagram moments than ecological consequences. Throughout the evening, a severe weather advisory hovered ominously over the venue, but the candidates soldiered on, determined to out-yell each other about who could make the seas rise faster with their rhetoric. “It’s the hottest issue! Literally!” shouted candidate A as they waved their arms dramatically, causing a nearby beach umbrella to take flight, making it a flying metaphor for their campaign. A brief intermission featured a motivational montage of beach cleanup initiatives, sponsored by various fast-food chains, leaving viewers wondering if saving the turtles was their actual goal or just a clever marketing strategy. Because who could forget the “Save the Otters with Fried Pickles Festival,” a staple in the campaign for preserving the natural beauty of Florida’s waterways? As the night wore on and temperatures soared, a sudden blackout plunged the auditorium into darkness. In a shocking twist, it was the power connections not the candidates that let their constituents down. The candidates fumbled for their flashlights, ultimately leading to an awkward group selfie that later went viral, captioned, “When the lights go out, we’re all just shadows of our former selves.” In the end, the debate concluded with no clear winner, but a collective realization: the only thing rising faster than the ocean’s tides is the level of absurdity in Florida politics. As the candidates exited amid chants of “We want solutions!” the actual solution — a comprehensive climate plan — drowned beneath the waves of meaningless rhetoric and the hoots of politicians strutting their stuff. With gratitude for another season of gaseous promises, residents returned home, clutching their beach towels, wondering if climate change might just magically fix itself while they sunbathed in the middle of the impending apocalypse.