In a stunning turn of events, the Academy has officially declared that every Oscar winner from now on will be determined by the color of their costume choices, rather than their actual talent or the quality of their films. At the 97th Academy Awards, Paul Tazewell's historic win as the first Black man to clinch the best costume design Oscar for "Wicked" has sparked an unprecedented wave of fashion critiques, as Hollywood embraces what could only be described as "Runway Roulette." As Tazewell soaked in the accolades amid a flurry of standing ovations, insiders revealed that the real reason for the costume category's underwhelming reputation was simply that every nominee had been woefully underdressed. “We realized it was a crime against art,” said an anonymous Academy member, “Why judge the actual film when we can judge the fabric?” In a subsequent press conference, celebrities took to the podium adorned in increasingly outrageous outfits — think shimmering hats made of spaghetti, evening gowns fashioned out of receipts, and sequined cloaks that double as WiFi hotspots. “This year, we’re not just giving awards for good work; we’re celebrating the audacity of the fabric!” announced Academy president Dusty Threads, clad in a full-body onesie made entirely of recycled Oscar ballots. The spectacle reached new heights when impromptu fashion shows broke out in the aisles, with nominated directors strutting their stuff in tinfoil suits and disheveled film editors showcasing their latest ‘cut and paste’ chic. Expecting a dramatic trend month ahead, commentators are already dubbing it “The Fabric of Hollywood,” suggesting that no event should ever take place without a guaranteed costume theme. Speculation is rife about the potential for a future Oscar-winning documentary titled “Dress for Success: A Fabricated Journey.” As for the more traditional categories? They’re reportedly in talks about including new requirements, such as mandatory tutus for cinematography and feather boas for documentary shorts, to compete with the newfound glamour of performance art attire. The Academy is determined that if viewers want to tune in for the fashion, they might as well get an award for it. In light of this riveting revelation, you can expect to see more tuxedo-wearing squirrels and cast members of "Wicked" running for office, because if there’s one lesson Hollywood has learned from Tazewell’s win, it’s that the more fabulous the costume, the higher the chance of winning the coveted golden statue. And let’s be honest, who really cares about the film when you can bedazzle your way to the top?