In a groundbreaking move hailed by many as a "big step forward," the International Petrochemical Safety Council (IPSC) unveiled new guidelines that prioritize disabled lives in the event of catastrophic petrochemical spills. It seems that after gazillions of gallons of toxic sludge have seeped into the Earth, it might finally be the right time to start thinking about those who might struggle to escape the thigh-deep Pool of Doom. The new protocol, dubbed “Token Gesture #42,” emphasizes a commitment to include the disabled in rescue plans, mainly because apparently it became awkward to ignore the demographic that’s been left behind, literally, in the wake of environmental destruction. "We recognize that our past guidelines were a little light on concern for people with disabilities," said a spokesperson for IPSC, who promptly added, “Not that it really matters when it comes to oil profits, but we’re definitely trying to look like we care.” The guidelines are packed with "innovative" solutions like designating specific “disabled escape routes” that will run parallel to the conventional avenues for evacuation. This will ensure that while the cosmos spills its worst upon humanity, the disabled can still enjoy the absolute privilege of evacuating at a slightly slower pace. “Every second counts!” they declare, as they hold back laughter at the notion that anyone would expect the oil companies to actually implement any of these plans. Furthermore, in an unexpected twist, all petrochemical companies are required to hire a "Disability Liaison Officer" who seems dedicated purely to looking busy when the inevitable disaster strikes. In an illustrative workshop titled “How to Stand in a Corner and Look Concerned,” these officers will be equipped with the latest in corporate jargon and a plethora of “thoughts and prayers” to hand out in the aftermath. Critics have voiced their skepticism about the merit of the new guidelines. “It’s all smoke and mirrors,” claims environmental activist Greta Snark. “What’s the use of prioritizing disabled lives when the entire industry is built on toxic disregard? It’s like offering the Titanic’s last lifeboat only to those who can crawl at a brisk pace.” Social media reactions have ranged from muted acceptance to outright ridicule, as memes featuring disabled turtles and the hashtag #TurtleSafeBoats circulate. In a recent viral tweet, someone proposed that the IPSC's guidelines be rewritten as a sarcastic sitcom titled “Chasing the Spills,” portraying disabled characters overcoming seemingly insurmountable odds, like trying to escape a flooded town with no help from those responsible. As oil spills continue to make headlines, one thing is clear: the petrochemical industry is determined to turn every disasters into a learning opportunity... for public relations. As corporate giants rush to implement the new norms, the disabled community watches in cautious optimism, wondering just how many band-aids it will take to cover the gaping wounds of negligence.