In a stunning display of corporate accountability, ExxonMobil has been handed a $14.25 million fine for its egregious environmental infractions, a move many environmentalists are calling a historic turning point in extracting meaningful penalties from corporate giants. Critics, however, are less impressed, pointing out that this penalty is practically pocket change for a company that rakes in billions of dollars in profits annually—a figure that makes the fine look like a minute tip left on a gas station counter. Environmental watchdogs have taken to social media to express their outrage. One user, @EcoWarrior69, lamented, “$14.25 million? That’s the cost of a single oil spill’s coffee budget!” Meanwhile, Exxon CEO Darren W. Woodcock (yes, that’s his real name) was reported to have laughed so hard upon hearing the fine that he exploded two oil rigs for comedic effect. The fine stems from decades of environmental violations that one could argue are a small part of Exxon’s "business as usual" model. The accusations range from releasing excessive greenhouse gases to spilling so much oil that the oceans have started adopting a “no swimming” policy. Environmental organizations had hoped for a penalty that would actually hurt the company's bottom line, but they were clearly asking for the impossible. After all, Exxon has historically treated environmental fines like a generous contribution to their environmental impact charity: “Pollution? What pollution? I’ll just write a check!” Exxon’s PR team wasted no time in spinning the incident. In a press release, they stated that the fine would be “immediately accounted for in our quarterly ‘Oops, we did it again’ fund,” revealing their commitment to a whimsical approach to environmental accountability. Moreover, they emphasized their brand-new initiative: “Every Billionth Barrel Saved!” which promises to donate a flashy contest to win a year’s worth of fossil fuel to a random winner who tweets about renewable energy. Truly, a gesture of philanthropy worthy of the environmental awareness gold medal! Many have noted that $14.25 million amounts to less than one day of what the oil behemoth makes in profits. In a press conference, Exxon’s Chief Financial Officer, Clarity McBland, remarked, “If you think of it this way, it’s like finding a dime on the sidewalk. You just keep walking to your gas-guzzling SUV.” Environmentalists have suggested that a more appropriate penalty would involve a fine that forced Exxon to invest in actual renewable energy developments, but McBland assured investors that was “not in the cards.” The fine, which is so small that it wouldn't even cover the cost of lobbyists working overtime to maintain favorable legislation, is just the latest in a series of “environmentally friendly” gestures Exxon has made—like sponsoring rainforests with bumper stickers or donating used oil for art projects by local schoolchildren. While some may find solace in the notion that justice has finally prevailed in the endless saga of corporate pollution, the general consensus is that this fine is akin to giving a lion a cupcake after it has devoured an entire wildlife refuge. As it stands, Exxon continues to thrive, and it seems they’ll be able to enjoy their record profits while giving a casual nod to the consequences of their actions, all while the planet shrugs and sighs, “Well, that was fun.”