In a stunning turn of events that left no one surprised, electric vehicle (EV) sales have soared to unprecedented heights—thanks largely to a new wave of tariffs so expertly slapped on conventional cars that it could make a sushi chef blush. In what experts are calling a groundbreaking case of “everyone’s too broke to afford gas,” consumers are rushing to trade in their fossil-fueled chariots for the shiny, taxpayer-subsidized wonders of the electric world. Local dealerships are reporting that the moment the tariffs hit, buyers suddenly found their love for the environment rekindled. “It’s not like I wanted to save the planet or anything,” said one ecstatic consumer, “but when I realized I could get a $10,000 discount just for being mildly eco-conscious, it felt like fate.” Meanwhile, EV manufacturers are throwing a party that Mother Nature herself would be proud of—if she weren’t still grinding her teeth over how we got here in the first place. Tesla CEO Elon Musk took time from his busy schedule of tweeting and launching rockets to declare, “This surge in sales is proof that the free market works… as long as you get the government to rig the game in your favor.” The irony of this booming market in vehicles meant to combat climate change isn’t lost on anyone, especially since many EVs still rely on materials mined under questionable ethical conditions and use energy sourced from, you guessed it, fossil fuels. “Sure, my new EV runs on green energy—greenbacks!” said one thoughtful driver as he flexed his muscles alongside his pristine Model X, now nestled comfortably in his driveway. As consumers flock to purchase their new electric toys, fearing a gas-guzzler might be the automotive equivalent of being seen drinking water from a plastic bottle, environmentalists are cautiously optimistic. “It’s utterly ridiculous, but if it takes a tariff-induced panic to get people into EVs, I suppose we’ll take it,” said one green advocate who delights in the irony while holding a fruity artisanal drink with a biodegradable straw. However, not everyone is rejoicing in the electric utopia. Gasoline prices remain shamelessly high, and rumors have begun swirling about a secret society of oil barons plotting revenge against the EV surge. “Next up, we’ll be seeing tariffs on EV chargers—watch,” warned one shadowy figure in a dark alley, just before disappearing into the haze of exhaust fumes—it’s unclear which kind, though. Back in the world of the mainstream media, pundits are hotly debating whether this latest spike in electric vehicle sales signifies a hopeful revolution in transportation or merely a temporary, Tariff-flavored mirage. “The truth is, it’ll probably be both,” said a talking head on cable news. “But as long as we keep the ratings up, who cares?” Amidst the buzz, one thing is clear: as long as the government continues to dish out subsidies and tariffs with reckless abandon, the electric revolution will continue to delight and confuse in equal measures. It’s a brave new world, powered by questionable intentions and the desire to look good while doing the bare minimum for Mother Earth. À la carte capitalism at its finest—bon appétit!