Ethel Kennedy, the Last Moat Guard of the Kennedy Castle, Passes at 96—Leaves Behind a Legacy of Advocacy and Unmatched Family Drama! In breaking news from the enchanted realm of American political royalty, Ethel Kennedy, a beloved figure, and the unyielding gatekeeper of the Kennedy dynasty’s ever-dramatic castle, has officially handed in her final RSVP to the great political gala in the sky at the ripe age of 96. Known affectionately as the “Last Moat Guard,” Ethel’s tenure has been marked by her exceptional ability to fend off not just intruders but also unsolicited family drama with little more than a disapproving glance and robust advocacy for social justice. Her grandson, Joseph P. Kennedy III, took to X (formerly Twitter, now just a digital playground for musings and memes) to announce her passing, attributing it to "complications of a stroke" as if the universe couldn’t handle any more Kennedy calamities. The post did not specify the location of her final moments, leaving us to speculate whether it was a posh hospital, a luxurious estate, or perhaps the Kennedy family’s secret bunker where they plot their next great political dynasty reboot. Ethel, who famously remained single following the assassination of her husband, Senator Robert F. Kennedy, was a master of multitasking: she managed to promote her late husband’s political causes, keep the family drama simmering, and simultaneously write the book on how to dodge marriage proposals post-tragedy. Rumor has it she had a go-to phrase locked and loaded: “No thanks, I’m too busy saving the world and avoiding family reunions!” Her days were filled with impassioned speeches and moments of sheer drama that could make a soap opera seem tame. Ethel’s ability to unite and divide the family simultaneously was nothing short of wizardry. When asked about her secrets to such an intriguing life, she simply chuckled and said, “You just have to find the right balance between advocacy and ambivalence.” Over the years, she witnessed her family’s countless ups and downs, births and betrayals, scandals and reconciliations. It’s said that even in her final days, she held court, poring over old family photos while shrugging at her grandchildren’s latest scandals with an expression that boldly said, “At least you’re not us.” As tributes pour in from across the nation, discussions swirl about Ethel’s irreplaceable role as the Kennedy family's last stronghold against both the outside world and the tempest of their internal drama. Her legacy will undoubtedly inspire budding activists everywhere, as they learn that resilience often looks a lot like maintaining your composure during a never-ending family powwow and firing off a well-timed quip about qualifications for future family gatherings. As the nation mourns the loss of Ethel Kennedy, we are reminded that few could wield the power of advocacy and chaos quite like she did. Ethel leaves behind a simple yet poignant reminder: in the great game of life, it’s all about navigating the political storm while keeping the popcorn handy for the family council meetings. Rest in peace, Ethel—you’ve earned a permanent front-row seat to that eternal family drama up above!