In a shocking twist that has left baseball fans reeling and sports pundits scratching their heads, ESPN and Major League Baseball have announced their decision to part ways after a whopping 35 years of what can only be described as an awkward yet enduring relationship. The two organizations, once synonymous with "America's pastime," have decided that it’s time to swipe left and explore new partnerships, just like millions of singles during a midlife crisis. ESPN, which first aired MLB games in 1990, has been increasingly criticized for its dwindling focus on baseball coverage, a fact highlighted by its recent decision to dedicate more airtime to various sports that require less patience—like competitive eating and extreme ironing. Fans expressed their fury over the departure of beloved baseball commentary, particularly those memorable moments when commentators struggled to fill airtime during the seventh-inning stretch. "It’s just tragic," lamented one fan. "Now who will explain every single statistic nobody cares about in exquisite detail?" While MLB has insisted that the decision was mutual, insiders claim it was less of a mutual agreement and more of a desperate exit strategy to avoid an awkward dinner where one party wouldn’t stop discussing their latest fancy new analytics plays while the other just wanted to reminisce about the good old days—back when stolen bases were as common as incorrect predictions of a drought. Frustrated by how ESPN has "pared back" its coverage of America's most beloved game, MLB remarked, "We’re like a great romantic comedy that got tired of the same plot—this is where we say goodbye for a future where hope is high, and perhaps the broadcast rights will land in the hands of someone who appreciates a good double play." The league hopes new partners might better appreciate the sport's vintage charm and perhaps even revive the traditional hard-hitting analyses and in-game backstories on player’s pets. With the departure set to happen after the 2025 season, ESPN plans to broaden their horizons, turning ground balls into ground-breaking reality shows, like "Survivor: MLB Edition," where players are stranded on an island and must compete to see who can catch the most foul balls while surviving on nothing but peanuts and crackerjacks. Meanwhile, both ESPN and MLB have issued vague statements about future ‘collaborations’—just ambiguous enough to evoke curiosity but unlikely to include the phrase “batters up!” or “let’s play ball!” Expect to hear more about sport mergers and cross-promotional opportunities, like “Lacrosse and Little League: Next Level Olympics” or “ESPN’s International Toe Wrestling Championship,” as they seek to fill the void left by their vanishing love affair. As the clock ticks down to the end of the countdown, fans are left to wonder who will sweep them off their feet next. Until then, baseball will continue to trot along, unaware that being ditched for a network with a penchant for random competitions could, in fact, lead to a more thrilling future.